Animal Jokes

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A yellow Labrador walks into a job referral agency and asks if they have any openings for him. After the receptionist picks herself up off the floor, she asks the dog to come back in an hour. The dog agrees and walks out. As soon as the dog leaves she calls the circus and asks if they can use a talking dog.
"Of course," says the owner, "send him down."
An hour later, the dog walks back into the agency and the receptionist yells that she has a job for the dog in the circus.
To which the dog replies,
"What does the circus want with a carpenter?"

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To stop King Kong's rampage, the U. S. Army got their top strategists together and came up with a terrific plan.
They built a massive catapult engine, loaded a 1966 Volkswagen in it, and hurled the vehicle directly at the side of the giant ape's head.
In other words, they put abug in his ear.

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A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse serving drinks. The guy stares until the horse finally says, “What’s the problem? Haven’t you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?”
The guy says, “No, it’s not that. It is just that I never thought the ferret would sell the place.”

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Person: Siri search Funny animals .
I phone:looking for a Rock.
Person: you b*tch.
I phone:calling mom

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I wonder, do birds always plan things, or do they sometimes just wing it?

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I took my wife to a dog show last week, she finished in 3rd place.

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Two silk worms get into a wrestling match. …
….
…
It ended in a tie.

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Man in the circus in the Lions cage, says to the audience “i can make this Lion suск my соск”. The Lions growling, the man takes out his соск then hits the lion over the head with a stick, the Lion stops growling opens his mouth and starts suскing the mans соск! The man then turns to the audience and arrogantly says “would anyone else like to try this”? An old woman puts her hand up and says “Yes me, but dont hit me with that stick”,

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There was this tiger that woke up one morning and just felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger). Anyway, he felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him, "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And the poor quaking little monkey replied, "You are of course, no one is mightier than you."
A little while later the tiger confronted a deer, and bellowed out, "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" The deer shook so hard it could barely speak, but managed to stammer, "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered up to an elephant who was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice:
"Who is the mightiest of all the animals in the jungle?"
Well, the elephant grabbed the tiger with his trunk, picked him up, slammed him down; picked him up again, and shook him until the tiger was just a blur of orange and black and finally threw him violently into a nearby tree. The tiger staggered to his feet and looked at the elephant and said,
"Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so mad."

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I tried to teach my dog to dance today.
It was useless.
He’s got two left feet.

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A woman gets up, puts up the shade, takes the cover off the parrot’s cage, makes coffee, and has a cigarette.
Suddenly the phone rings. Her boyfriend is coming over. She puts out the cigarette, pulls down the shade, puts the cover back on the parrot’s cage, and gets back into bed.
The parrot, from under the cloth, “Well that was a short fcukin’ day!”

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As we approached our new house the dog stiffened and began to whimper.
“What’s wrong with Toby daddy?” My daughter asked.
“It’s an animal sixth sense,” I explained. “They can detect the presence of evil.”
“Is the house haunted?” She shivered.
“No,” I replied, before turning to my wife. “Love! I think your mother’s here already.”

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One day a man is walking down the street when he sees an old man with a nice looking dog. He goes over to the man and asks, "Does your dog bite?" the old man replies "No never". When the man bends down to sтrоке the dog, it immediately takes a snap at his hand. The man says,
"I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!", "I did" replies the old man, "But this isn't my dog!'.

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Did you hear about the 3 zoo employees who were injured recently? They got attacked by a chimpanzee that set fire to it’s own feces using a discarded cigarette. Apparently they were rushed to the hospital with ТURD degree burns.

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If you think about the animals we do eat, we only eat the dumb ones. Our three main meats are what? Cows, fish, chickens -- all animals, I'm pretty sure, if they could talk, you could trick them into killing themselves.

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I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

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How bored were moths before the light bulb was invented?

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The city boy goes to countryside to visit his uncle. After the sun goes down, the boy hears strange, another-world howling. He gets frightened and runs to his uncle. "Uncle, uncle, there are werewolves!"
"That's ruввish, boy, ain't no such thing".
"'Then, there must be man-eating wolves".
"No, we haven't got those buddies, either."
"What is this sound, then?" the boy asks.
"They are coyotes".
"Coyotes? What are those?"
"They look a lot like dogs. In fact, ya can consider them a kind of dog."
The boy wants to find out more:
"Why are they making that frightening noise?"
"See, nephew, we ain't got many trees around here. We got cactuses!"

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