Animal Jokes

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What sound does a hоrny toad make?
Rub it, rub it

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Two little skunks called In and Out were playing in the woods.
Out went home, and his mother said,
"Where's In?, go and get him, there's a good boy."
So Out went back into the woods and returned shortly with his brother. "That's a good boy," said Mother skunk, "How did you find him so quickly?"
"Easy," said the little skunk, "In stinked ...."

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Did you hear about the dyslexic Zookeeper who gave Viаgrа to a dangerous crocodile? He read somewhere that it’s good for treating reptile dysfunction.

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My dog jumped in the washing machine yesterday. Don’t worry, at least he died in comfort.

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A chicken walks into a bar.
The bartender says,
"We don't serve poultry!"
The chicken says,
"That's OK, I just want a drink."

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Penguins are just panda chickens

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If I were a dog would you help me bury my воnе?

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The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

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After leaving a bar, two gаy guys saw a dog urinate on a fire hydrant. When the dog finished, he began licking himself. "Boy, I sure wish I could do that!" one guy said to the other.
"Well, go ahead. He doesn't look too vicious." was the reply.

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Kerry the tomcat was scampering all over the neighborhood - down alleys, up fire escapes, into cellars. A disturbed neighbor knocked on the owner’s door and said,
“Your cat is rushing about like mad.”
“I know,” the man conceded. “Kerry’s just been neutered, and he’s running around canceling engagements.”
- Larry Wilde -
Library of Laughter

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A baby mouse sees a bat flying overhead and says,
"Mom! I think I see an angel!"

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What did the bunny give his girlfriend when he asked her to marry him?
A 13-carrot ring!

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I applied for a job at a blacksmiths. …
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He asked if I had ever shoed a horse before. …
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I said no but I once told a donkey to ∫cuk off.

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A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U. S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.
It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a “more humane” solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males Castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled.
This was actually proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Growers Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, “Son, I don’t think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain’t fсuкing’ our sheep - they’re eatin’ ’em”.

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When I get a dog I'm going to name him five miles so I can say I walk five miles everyday.

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I need to start paying closer attention to stuff. Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat.

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The males hang around the вееr cans. The females are on the phones.

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In a beauty contest among birds, the finalists believe it or not were a chicken, an ostrich and a flamingo. And soon after the show, the judges were unanimous in reaching the final choice. And guess who won? The chicken, of course! The judges admitted that both the ostrich, and flamingo legs were beautiful, but the chicken had prettier laid eggs.

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