Animal Jokes

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I was in a quandry. My pet cockroach broke a leg tonight.
I thought about taking it to a vet, but you know how expensive vet’s visits are.
Then I had a bright idea! I fastened the leg in place with a roach clip until it heals.
If you are stopping by to help me blaze a joint, could you bring a clip?

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Did you ever notice that when you вlоw in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

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Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

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I've seen a turkey but I've never been to Turkey.

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I bought a new dog yesterday. I’ve named him Rolex……. He’s a watchdog

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What sound does a hоrny toad make?
Rub it, rub it

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Two little skunks called In and Out were playing in the woods.
Out went home, and his mother said,
"Where's In?, go and get him, there's a good boy."
So Out went back into the woods and returned shortly with his brother. "That's a good boy," said Mother skunk, "How did you find him so quickly?"
"Easy," said the little skunk, "In stinked ...."

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Did you hear about the dyslexic Zookeeper who gave Viаgrа to a dangerous crocodile? He read somewhere that it’s good for treating reptile dysfunction.

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I knocked on my neighbour’s door.
I said, “Your cat sat on the bonnet of my car and left scratch marks all over it.”
“I can only apologise!” said the woman, “He won’t do it again.”
I said, “Of course not, he’s dead.”

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My dog jumped in the washing machine yesterday. Don’t worry, at least he died in comfort.

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A chicken walks into a bar.
The bartender says,
"We don't serve poultry!"
The chicken says,
"That's OK, I just want a drink."

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Penguins are just panda chickens

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The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

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After leaving a bar, two gаy guys saw a dog urinate on a fire hydrant. When the dog finished, he began licking himself. "Boy, I sure wish I could do that!" one guy said to the other.
"Well, go ahead. He doesn't look too vicious." was the reply.

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Kerry the tomcat was scampering all over the neighborhood - down alleys, up fire escapes, into cellars. A disturbed neighbor knocked on the owner’s door and said,
“Your cat is rushing about like mad.”
“I know,” the man conceded. “Kerry’s just been neutered, and he’s running around canceling engagements.”
- Larry Wilde -
Library of Laughter

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A baby mouse sees a bat flying overhead and says,
"Mom! I think I see an angel!"

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What did the bunny give his girlfriend when he asked her to marry him?
A 13-carrot ring!

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So a duck walks into a bar and asks the Bartender, "Got any gwapes?"
The bartender says,
"No!".
The duck walks out, comes back the next day and asks the Bartender, "Got any gwapes?"
The bartender says,
"No!".
The duck walks out, comes back the next day and asks the Bartender, "Got any gwapes?"
The bartender says,
"No! And if you come back again I'll staple your beak to the bar".
The duck walks out, comes back the next day and asks the Bartender, "Got any staples?"
The bartender says,
"No!".
"Got any gwapes"?

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