Animal Jokes

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Did you hear about the dyslexic Zookeeper who gave Viаgrа to a dangerous crocodile? He read somewhere that it’s good for treating reptile dysfunction.

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I knocked on my neighbour’s door.
I said, “Your cat sat on the bonnet of my car and left scratch marks all over it.”
“I can only apologise!” said the woman, “He won’t do it again.”
I said, “Of course not, he’s dead.”

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My dog jumped in the washing machine yesterday. Don’t worry, at least he died in comfort.

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Penguins are just panda chickens

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If I were a dog would you help me bury my воnе?

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The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

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After leaving a bar, two gаy guys saw a dog urinate on a fire hydrant. When the dog finished, he began licking himself. "Boy, I sure wish I could do that!" one guy said to the other.
"Well, go ahead. He doesn't look too vicious." was the reply.

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Kerry the tomcat was scampering all over the neighborhood - down alleys, up fire escapes, into cellars. A disturbed neighbor knocked on the owner’s door and said,
“Your cat is rushing about like mad.”
“I know,” the man conceded. “Kerry’s just been neutered, and he’s running around canceling engagements.”
- Larry Wilde -
Library of Laughter

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A baby mouse sees a bat flying overhead and says,
"Mom! I think I see an angel!"

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What did the bunny give his girlfriend when he asked her to marry him?
A 13-carrot ring!

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So a duck walks into a bar and asks the Bartender, "Got any gwapes?"
The bartender says,
"No!".
The duck walks out, comes back the next day and asks the Bartender, "Got any gwapes?"
The bartender says,
"No!".
The duck walks out, comes back the next day and asks the Bartender, "Got any gwapes?"
The bartender says,
"No! And if you come back again I'll staple your beak to the bar".
The duck walks out, comes back the next day and asks the Bartender, "Got any staples?"
The bartender says,
"No!".
"Got any gwapes"?

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I applied for a job at a blacksmiths. …
…
He asked if I had ever shoed a horse before. …
…
I said no but I once told a donkey to ∫cuk off.

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When I get a dog I'm going to name him five miles so I can say I walk five miles everyday.

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I need to start paying closer attention to stuff. Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat.

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The males hang around the вееr cans. The females are on the phones.

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In a beauty contest among birds, the finalists believe it or not were a chicken, an ostrich and a flamingo. And soon after the show, the judges were unanimous in reaching the final choice. And guess who won? The chicken, of course! The judges admitted that both the ostrich, and flamingo legs were beautiful, but the chicken had prettier laid eggs.

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#### Parachute For Sale ####
One parachute for sale. Only ever used once, never opened, has some red stains.

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Excuse me, but do you like whales? (yeah, why) Cause I was thinking that we could "humpback" at my place.

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