Animal Jokes

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A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read. ‘And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?’
The teacher paused then asked the class: ‘And what do you think the man said?’
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly…
‘I think the man would have said - Son of a вiтсh!! A talking pig!’

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Never tell a pig a secret... because they love to squeel.

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Where do you get dragon milk?
From cows with short legs!

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The following conversation took place at a dentists.
Dentist: Say Ahhh!!
Patient: Why?
Dentist: My cat died earlier this morning.

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I’ve been slowly torturing a centipede for the past 98 days.
It’s on its last legs now.

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Men are like frogs, the most important thing is to jump on faster.

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I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

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What did the elephant say to his girlfriend? "I love you a ton!"

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These two Polish hunters are out in the woods. They are lucky enough to bag a moose-a really big buck with a nice spread of antlers.
Flushed with satisfaction and eager to get their trophy home, they proceed to grab hold of the moose’s tail and start pulling the carcass out of the woods. They pull and pull and pull but it won’t budge.
Finally a fellow hunter comes by and says, “Excuse me for offering some advice-but you might find it easier to haul that thing by the horns.” The two Polish hunters are ecstatic to hear this! Thanking the visitor heartily, they each grab an antler and start pulling.
A few hours later the fellow hunter passes by again and sees the two tired Polish hunters still at it, slowly but steadily pulling their moose by its horns through the woods.
“How’s it going?” he asks.
“Great!” they reply. “We only have one problem: we are getting farther and farther away from our car.

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The difference between true love and dinosaurs: We're sure that dinosaurs once existed on this earth.

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There were two cows in a paddock and one said to the other, "I'm a bit worried about this mad соw disease that's been going around."
The other answered; "It won't worry me, I'm a helicopter!!"

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The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence:
"I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."
He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word "mongooses." Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read:
"I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."
Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. "Everyone knows no fully stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send us two of them."

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What has four legs and says boo?
A соw with a cold.

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What do whales like on their toast?
I can’t believe it’s not blubber!

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A couple was having a party at their house. An hour before the party the woman found out that she still needed escargots. So she sent her husband out to get it. He was walking to the supermarket and he figured he had lots of time. So he stopped at the bar on the way. An hour and a half later he looked at his watch and realized that the party had already started. He quickly ran to the market, bought the snails and ran home. He tried to sneak into the kitchen without his wife seeing him. But at that moment his wife came out. He quickly threw the snails on the floor and said,
"Come on guys, we're almost there."

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My ex-girlfriend used to have a pet parrot. The thing would never f*cking shut up.. the parrot was cool though.

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If you come home like I do and find your cat had his tail removed from fighting, just take your cat to Walmart...
They're the best re-tailer!

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I hate insects puns, they really bug me.

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