Animal Jokes

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There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"

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What do you get if you mix a rabbit and a snake?
A jump rope!

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Why do bunnies have soft sеx?
They have cotton ваlls.

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The snake was punished because Chuck Norris tempted it to ate the apple.

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What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a boy scout?
A boyscout who helps little old ladies hop across the street.

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Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.
The first blonde said, “Those are deer tracks.”
The second blonde said, “No those are elk tracks.”
The third blonde said, “You’re both wrong, those are moose tracks.”
The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.
Emma: So, what kind of tracks were they?

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On the show Man v. S Wild, when they talk about the profesionals that Bear recieves help from, they are refering to Chuck Norris.

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They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona.

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In what state will you find the most cows?
Moo York.

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Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks."
The other blonde looks and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks."
"No. Those are deer tracks."
They keep arguing, and arguing, about half hour later they were both killed by a train.

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Did you hear about Mike Tyson's horse?
It got angry and bit at the champ!

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A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver looked at the child and blurted out, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"
Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said,
"Why, he shouldn't say things to insult passengers.
He could be fired for that."
"You're right," she said.
"I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!"
"That's a good idea," the man said.
"Here, let me hold your monkey."

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A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out.
A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?"

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What's a moo hoo for a stuffed steer?
A full bull.

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What do you call a chicken that crosses the road without looking both ways?
"Dead."

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Why doesn't Sweden export it's cattle?
It wants to keep it's Stockholm!

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According to leading scientists, the deadliest animal on the planet is the Bearded Norris.

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Jesse starts wailing to the vet, "you gotta save my dog, he looks real bad - please you just gotta!"
"There, there Jesse, your dog just has a broken hip he'll be fine in no time.
My fee, of course, will be $1,500."
Jesse starts to wail - "oh, my dog's going to die!!!"

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