Animal Jokes

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Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
He set a new lap record.

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A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?”
He responded with, “The cat is dead.”
She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you’ve broken the new slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor things dead! Anyways, how’s my mom?”
“She’s playing on the roof.”

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Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
A: "Put it on my bill."

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What do you call fish роор?
BassTurds !

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Question: What do you get when you cross a shark and a parrot?
Answer: a creature that talks your ear off.

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Bears do not eat bears.
Tigers do not eat tigers.
Dogs do not eat dogs.
Cats stopped eating kebabs.

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Name an animal that lives in Lapland?
A reindeer
Good, now name another.
Another reindeer!

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What’s a black spot between two white spots?
A fly with cotton wool in her ears!

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How did the Dead baby cross the road?
It was strapped to the chicken.

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What do you call 2 octopuses that look exactly the same? – Itenticle.

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What do we learn from соw, buffaloes and elephants?
It's impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking

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Time for a story:
There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off. How many are left?
What are the 3 steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?
Open fridge, put in elephant, close fridge.
What are the 4 steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge?
Open fridge, take out elephant, put in giraffe, close fridge.
The lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend except one, who is it?
Giraffe, he’s stuck in the fridge.
Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across safely, how?
The alligators where at the birthday party.
Sally dies anyway. How?
She got hit in the head by a flying brick.

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Why didn't Republicans save any of the black New Orleans residents from the flooding of Hurricane Katrina?
They were busy trying to get two of each animal for their ark first and couldn't catch that dамnеd roadrunner.

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How do you make a cat be a dog?
Pour gasoline on it and light it with a match.
It will go 'WOOF.'

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Q. What did one frog say to another?
A. You're such a WART!

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Why do zebras have stripes?
Because the spots where all over.

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A man goes into a pub with a cat sitting on his head.
The barman pulls him a pint and says,‘Look I don’t know if you know it but there’s a cat sitting on your head.’
‘What of it?’ asks the man.‘I always wear a cat on my head on a Monday.’
‘But today’s Tuesday,’ replies the barman.
‘Oh God. Is it?’ says the man. ‘I must look a right рrат.’

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Little Billy sits on his neighbour fence.
After a while he asks surprised:
Sir, how come your pig has only tree legs?
Because I used only one leg for the stock.

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