Walks into a Bar, Bar jokes, Bartender jokes

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I’ve got a tip for you or if you like I can put the whole thing in.

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A visitor comes into a Maryborough pub with a tame crocodile at his heels and ordered a drink. The locals looked at the crocodile and it suddenly went up to someone's hat, which was sitting on a chair, and chewed it to shreds.
The hat's owner shouted at the visitor, "Hey look at what your crocodile has done to my hat."
The visitor replied, "That's too bad!" The hat owner got angry and said,
"I don't like your attitude!"
The visitor replied, "It's not my (h)at (h)e chewed - it's your hat he chewed!"

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Three days finish up a hard day of work and walk into a bar. They do the same the next day. And the day after that. On the fourth day, they duck.

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Hi my name is Jay but people call me J for short.

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I've been having problems with annoying phone calls lately...
The most common one seems to be the nightly, "You said you'd be home from the bar 2 hours ago!" call.

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A man weaving up to a local bar orders a whiskey. The bartender Joe, noticing the condition of Tony, says,
"I can't serve you Tony, you have had too much to drink."
Tony walks around the block and comes in the side door and orders a whiskey. Joe again says,
"You have had too much already. I can't serve you."
Tony walks the block again and comes in the back door and orders a whiskey and before Joe has a chance to refuse him the drink, Tony says,
"Hey Joe! How many places do you work at?"

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This chat-up line is to be used when you’re sitting on the bus and you see a woman standing because it’s full.
Man: Hi
Woman: Hi
Man: I would offer you my seat but I’ve got a massive воnеr right now.

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Man:
“After seeing you tonight I don’t need to drink anymore!”
Woman:
“Why?”
Man:
“Because your beauty intoxicates me!”

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I have a really small wiener. At least that’s what the priest told me.

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In a darkets night, a policeman watches a staggering man trying in vain to unlock a door.
"Is this your home, after all?" the policeman asks.
"Sure, I'll prove it to you if you help me."
Inside, the man explains, "You see, this is my bedroom. And this is my wife."
"And who is the man next to her?" the policemand wants to know.
"That's me!"

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A man comes home after an assignment of 3-years and he finds, there is an additional member of the family, a 29 months toddler. Furious he demands an explanation:
He says, how could you have done this to me! Did you cheat on me with one of my friends, was it Josh, was it Nathan, or was it John?
His wife with a daring look says, your friends! Your friends! Don’t you think I have my own friends too?

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Drunkard #1: I will become the chief prime minister tomorrow!
Drunkard #2: That's impossible... I haven't resigned yet.

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I was talking to this girl in the pub the other night and she said, “You lads are funny giving your diскs silly little names.”
I replied “Not me love, I’ve only got one name for mine. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.”
She said, “Thats a mouthful.”
“Exactly.”

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What political party do you support because in 9 months time you’ll be in labour

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Friend: Dude! You were so drunк last night!
Man: No I wasn't.
Friend: Oh really, you put my dog in a pillowcase and said "It's a pillow, It's a pet, it's a pillow pet!"
Man: It was a pet in a pillowcase!
Friend: It was a trash can.
Man: ...

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This guy was drinking at the bar counter. Every time he took a drink he would pull something from his pocket and look at it. Eventually the curiosity of the bartender got the better of him and he asked the guy what he is looking at. He replied: I’ve got a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she begins to look good I know I have had enough.

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Man: Hi wanna dance?
Woman: Yeah sure!
Man: Ok go and dance, I want to talk to your friend!

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A businesswoman is sitting at a bar. A man approaches her. “Hi, honey,” he says. “Want a little company?”
“Why?” asks the woman? “Do you have one to sell?

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