Walks into a Bar, Bar jokes, Bartender jokes

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Can you empty your pockets please I think you’ve stolen my heart.

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Do you mix concrete for a living? Because you’re making me hard.

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A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bird is wearing a baseball cap.
The bartender says, “Hey, that’s neat. Where did you get that?”
The parrot says, “France-they’ve got millions of them there.”

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Do you have any raisins? How about a date then?

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Hi how’s it going? I’ve got Alzheimer’s… Are you my girlfriend?

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Once, in a bar, one guy leaned over and said to the guy sitting next to him, "I slept with your mom last night."
The whole bar turned to see what would happen next. After a while, the guy laughs and says,
"Let's go home, Dad, you are drunк."

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Two drunken men were driving home. The first started screaming:
- Jim, watch out for the wall, watch out for the waaaaall! Baaaaam! They hit the wall. The next day in the hospital the first man asked his friend:
- You good for nothing, I've been screaming for you to watch out, why didn't you? Jim answered him:
- It was you driving!!!

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There were 2 men at a bar, the first man said to the other one, "I know a bridge where you can jump off and return safely." The other man who was shocked asked the man to show it to him. After they finished their drinks the second man asked him to demonstrate, so the first man jumped off the bridge and flew back. The second man dumbfounded decided why not give it a try. He jumped off and died. When the first man went back to the bar the bartender said,
"Superman you are so cruel when you are drunк!"

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Раddy goes into the bar and asks the barman how much the cocktails are.
He says, ”£4 a glass and £10 for a pitcher”.
Paddy says ”Why would I want my photo taken with a Fuскing drink?”

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Is your dad a lumberjack because you give me wood.

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A man got really drunк one night in his local pub. The barman refused to serve him any more alcohol and told him he should be heading home. The man thought this was a good idea so he stood up to leave but fell over straight away. He tried to stand up again but only fell over again. He thought if only he could get outside and get some fresh air he'd be grand. So he crawled outside then tried to stand up and fell over again. In the end after falling over lots more he decided to crawl home. When he got back to his house he pulled himself up using the door handle but as soon as he let go he fell over again. He had to crawl up the stairs and managed to fall over onto the bed and fell asleep. When he finally woke up the next morning his wife asked him what he was doing at the pub last night. He denied it but she said,
"I know you were there..." he maintained his innocence until "... The barman rang to say you forgot your wheelchair again...."

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Is your name Gillette? Because you’re the best a man can get.

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A man walks into a pub and he asks the barman for a pint. All of a sudden he notices Vincent Van Gogh over the other side of the bar. The man asks, "Do you wanna pint, mate?" and Van Gogh says,
"No thanks, I've got one ear!"

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A guy and a girl are having a drink together in a bar. The man raises his glass and says,
"Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you're dead!"
"What's that mean?" asks the girl. "That," answers her date, "is an authentic Irish toast."
"Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon." What's that?" asked the guy. The girl says,
"That's French toast."

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Guy: Would you suск diск for a ripe banana?
Girl: No
Guy: What would you suск diск for?
Girl: Nothing
Guy: So, you suск diск for nothing?

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A man went up to the barman and ordered a drink. With his drink, the barman gave him a bowl of peanuts, and from the bowl of peanuts the man heard a voice say, "I think you look great." But the man just ignored it.
Then the man went over to the cigarette machine, put his money in and got nothing out. He heard a voice from the machine say, "I have never seen such an ugly face."
At this point, the man was confused, so he told the barman about the voices, and the barman said,
"The bowl of peanuts was complimentary, but the cigarette machine is just out of order."

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I think you have something missing in your life and I would love to be the person to fill your gap.

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A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says,
"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"

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