Walks into a Bar, Bar jokes, Bartender jokes

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An оrgаn grinder and a monkey enter a tavern and take a couple seats at the bar.
"Give me a shot of whiskey!" said the оrgаn grinder to the bartender.
"I'll have the same," said the monkey.
The bartender looks in astonishment as he pours the drinks.
"What's the special here?" the оrgаn grinder asks.
"Yeah," the monkey chimes in. "We're starving."
"O. K.," says the bartender. "What's going on here? You're a monkey. You can't talk!"
"I sure can! Not only can I talk, but I'm also a ventriloquist!"

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Man: Do you shower after you have sеx?
Woman: Yes of course.
Man: Well maybe you should have sеx more often.

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A man walks into a bar with a Giraffe, and sits down at the bar. He says to the barman, "One pint for me and ten for the Giraffe". The barman gives the man and the Giraffe their drinks and then the Giraffe downs them all in on go. The Giraffe then says,
"More"
The barman give the Giraffe ten more pint the same. The Giraffe does the same thing again, and downs them all at once. The Giraffe then collapses on the floor and the man gets up to walk out. The barman says,
"You can't leave that 'lying' here", and the man says,” It’s not a Lyon, It's a Giraffe"!

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A quiet, little man walks into a bar and orders a вееr. He sits there sipping his вееr and minding his own business. All of a sudden, a big guy walks up to him and knocks him out cold and says to the barkeep, "When he wakes up, tell him that was a right-hook from Big Mike Finnigan."
A week later the little man shows up at the same bar and orders a вееr. He again, sits there sipping his вееr and minding his own business. The same big guy walks up to him, and the little guy knocks him out cold.
As he leaves the bar, the little guy says to the barkeep, "When he wakes up, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."

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Text message from husband to his wife:
A very nice Highway Patrol officer asked me if I was drinking.
I jokingly replied, "That depends, are you buying?"
Tough crowd. Please send bail money.

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Q. How much does a polar bear weigh?
A. I don’t know
R. Neither do I but it broke the ice

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Are you a homeless horse.. Because you look unstable.

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Man: Do you want to have good sеx?
Woman: Ehh no… Sorry?
Man: Well you should come back to my place!

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Two men are sitting at a bar when one of the men stops drinking and says "MY WIFE IS AN ABSOLUTE ANGEL".
The other man turns to him an says " YOUR LUCKY MINE'S STILL ALIVE"

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I’m so big instead of being circumcised I was actually circumnavigated.

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Three guys walk into a bar...
You would've thought the third one would've ducked.

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Hi, my mom says I am kind of a big deal.

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A wife complained, “You never listen to me. You only hear what you want to hear...”
The husband replied, “Sure honey, I’ll have a вееr.”

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Say hello to my little friend! (Pick up a мidgет while introducing yourself)

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An egg walks into a bar with a grin on its face…The barman said ”You look happy”
The egg replied ”I am, I got laid last night”.

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At 2:15 AM a man was pulled over by the police for having a burned out tail light. The officer discovered that a dog was sitting behind the steering wheel the car and the man sitting next to him had obviously been drinking.
The officer said,
"What is going on here and why is a dog in the driver’s seat?"
The man replied, "I really don't know officer, I guess he took my keys."

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You look just like my Chinese friend Ug Lee.

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Wow you’re really attractive, I bet if you went missing the police would spend ages looking for you.

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