Kids Jokes

Newest jokes in this category
A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However, the atheist’s life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man’s job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn’t give him the time of the day. So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:
“Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn’t even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?” And a great voice was heard from above:
“BECAUSE HE DOESN’T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!”
Religion jokes Kids Jokes God Jokes Men jokes Atheist Jokes
A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, Protestants and Muslims gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship.
The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressively begging for food. He said they were scaring their kids.
The preacher said they were having the same issue, in fact, a few of the squirrels had actually gotten inside of the church and had done some damage to the roof.
The Imam agreed saying that in fact one of the squirrels had bitten a few people at the mosque.
The Catholic Priest then spoke up and said they used to have the same issue but had solved it. He said they took all of their squirrels, Baptized them, confirmed them, and now they only show up at Christmas and Easter.
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A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him.
He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine.
On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.
They start necking and he’s getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she’s a virgin and wants to stay that way.
“Well, okay,” he says, “how about a вlоw job?”
“Yuck!” she screams. “I’m not putting that thing in my mouth!”
He says, “Well, then, how about a hand job?”
“I’ve never done that,” she says. “What do I have to do?”
“Well,” he answers, “remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?”
She nods.
“Well, it’s just like that.”
So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.
A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
“What’s wrong?!” she cries out.
“Take your thumb off the end!!”
Kids Jokes Wine jokes Dating Jokes Restaurant Jokes
A dad hires a clown for his kid’s 7th birthday party.
The clown whose drunк gets up in front of the kids, puts his hand in his pocket and says “Right, if you kids can guess what I’ve got in my pocket you win it as a prize”
“Is it a sweet mister?”-
“No it isn’t a sweet”
“Is it a toy mister?” -
“No it’s not a toy either”
“Is it money mister?” - “No it isn’t money”
What is it then?
“IT’S MY СОСК!” shouts the clown-
At this point the kids father grabs the clown and drags him through to the kitchen and says “What the hеll are you playing at? These kids are only 7 years old”
Clown says “Look I’m really sorry- I usually do an adult act and I’m a bit hungover today and accidentally went into the wrong routine- it won’t happen again”
Dad says “It better not or I’ll phone the police- now get back through there and entertain the kids”
Clown gets back up on stage and says “OK kids, lets start again if any of you can guess what I’m holding in my pocket you win it as a prize”
“Is it a sweet mister?”-
“No it’s not a sweet”
“Is it a toy mister?” -
“No it isn’t a toy”
“Is it money mister?” -
“No it isn’t money”
“What is it then?”………….
Clown looks at the father and says “You better phone the police”
Police Officer Jokes Money jokes Kids Jokes Dad Jokes Bad Habits Jokes
College
A college's student body is composed of the sons and daughters of the very rich who could not meet the academic requirements of any other college. Lo and behold, the college basketball team wins every game and dominates their league. All this success is due to one amazing player - a cross between Larry Bird and Michael Jordan.
This kid is terrific. The player and the team become the center of nationwide media attention. The student body is thrilled. Now, the NCAA goes to the college and asks for proof of this player's academic eligibility. The college administration promises such documentation in a few days. The faculty works night and day coaching the student for the crucial test.
The day of the public examination arrives, and the entire student body is there to support their star player. A professor stands, and announces the first question, "How much is five and two?" The student frowns in deep concentration - he thinks, he sweats, he shakes with effort. At last he shouts the answer, "SEVEN". The entire student body rises, and as a single voice, they cry. "Give him another chance. Give him another chance".
College jokes Office and Work Jokes Kids Jokes Single People Jokes School Jokes Bureaucrat Jokes
Sardar goes to Australia and goes to Woolworths, the grocery store. He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.
The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids.
He asks Sardar to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. Sardar goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.
Next week Sardar finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks Sardar to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food.
Sardar goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food..
Next week Sardar comes to Woolworths with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag.
The Manager puts his hand in the bag and immediately takes it out.. He shouts at Sardar, What the Fсuк is this?! Is this sh1t you Ваsтаrd?!?
And Sardar calmly replies: Yes, and I want to buy toilet paper.
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