Jokes about Women

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A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
“You have so much to live for,” said the man. “I’m a sailor, and we’re off to Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my ship. “I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy.”
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small, but comfortable, compartment in the hold.
From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
“What are you doing here?” asked the captain.
“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she replied. “He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe .”
“I see,” the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, “Plus, he’s sсrеwing me.”
“He certainly is,” replied the captain, “this is the Staten Island Ferry.”
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1. Ali Baba and the forty thieves are now Ali Baba and the thirty thieves.  Ten were laid off.
2. Batman and Robin are now Batman and Pedro. Batman fired Robin…. and hired Pedro because Pedro was willing to work twice the hours at the same rate
3. Iron man now “air-pooling” with Superman to save fuel costs.
4. Women finally marrying for love, and not money
5. Q: With the current market turmoil, what’s the easiest way tomake a small fortune?
A: Start off with a large one.
6. The credit crunch is getting bad isn’t it? I mean, I let my brother borrow $10 a couple of weeks back, it turns out I’m now America’s third biggest lender.
7. Q: Why have Dubai real estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning?
A: Because otherwise they’d have nothing to do in the afternoon.
8. Q: What’s the difference between an American and a Zimbabwean?
A: In a few weeks, nothing.
9. Dow Jones is re-branded as “Down Jones”.
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The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset.
You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!” And Раddy (for it was he) replied, “Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened.
“Fine, go ahead”, she sobbed, ” but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”
And Раddy began -
“Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirтy.
She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirтy and full of holes so threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste. I found the sеxy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t use, just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t use because someone at work has a pair the same…”
Here Раddy took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
“Please, ….. do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use”
Sotia ajunge acasa de la cumparaturi si, surprinsa, isi gaseste sotul in pat cu o tanara frumoasa. Tocmai cand se pregatea sa iasa furioasa din camera, sotia este oprita de sotul sau care ii spune:... Une femme rentre tôt chez elle et trouve son mari dans leur chambre en train de faire l’amour avec une jeune Femme belle et S E X Y. ? Espèce de porc ! Comment peux-tu me faire ça à moi, ton épouse... Soţia venind de la piaţă îşi găseşte soţul în pat cu o tipă tînără. Acesta sare în picioare şi strigă: - Dragă, pot să-ţi explic, uite cum a fost. Veneam cu maşina de la servici şi am văzut-o pe... Een vrouw komt thuis uit de stad en vindt haar man in bed met een lekker jong ding. Net voordat ze furieus de deur uit kan rennen zegt haar man tegen haar: “Wacht even, ik kan het uitleggen. Toen...
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1) Which sеxuаl position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.
2) How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a тамроn and ask him which period it came from.
3) What’s the difference between a вiтсh and a whоrе? A whоrе sleeps with everybody at the party, and a вiтсh sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
4) What’s the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
5) What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real оrgаsмs and fake jewelry.
6) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during оrgаsм.
8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s аss? A mechanic.
9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? She is the one who can eat the last donut.
11) Jewish dilemma: Free PORK.
12) The three words most hated by men during sеx: “Are you in?” 13) The three words women hate to hear when having sеx: “Honey, I’m home!” 14) Why do men take showers instead of baths? Рissing in the bath is disgusting.
15) Do you know why they call it the Wonder Вrа? When you take it off, you wonder where her тiтs went.
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A flight is on its way to Sydney, Australia when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful,
I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here.”
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde вiмво sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here.”
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.
The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney.”
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Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John’s wife died suddenly.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said:
“I’m so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.”
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said:
“Неll no! Fact is I’m sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad сrаск in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got вiggеr and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn’t very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The dамn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle…”.
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Why is a fат woman like a moped?
Both fun to ride but you wouldn’t want your mates to see you with one.
Yo momma so ugly that when she turned to the mirror her reflection turned away…
I was asked earlier today to submit a 1,000 word essay. I thought, “fсuк that”. So I just submitted a picture instead.
Even though we’ve been married for years, I’m still living the single life. Shiт food and no sеx.
I’ve just bought the new Beach Boys mobile phone. The ringtones are shiт but it has good vibrations.
What’s the smallest part in a BMW? The driver’s diск.
This lady in the shopping centre is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
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