Computers

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My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.

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Computer users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.
Novice users: people who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
Intermediate users: people who don’t know how to fix their computer after they’ve just pressed a key that broke it.
Expert users: people who break other people’s computers.

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Q: Why did the programmer quit his job?
A: Because he didn't get arrays.

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I like my women how I like my laptop. Sat on my lap, turned on & completely virus free.

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An artist, a lawyer, and a programmer are discussing the merits of a mistress.
The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.
The lawyer warns of the difficulties.
It can lead to guilt, divorce and bankruptcy.
The programmer says, ‘It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
My wife thinks I’m with my mistress.
My mistress thinks I’m home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!’

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Chuck Norris knows the value of NULL, and he can sort by it too.

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Chuck Norris doesn't scroll with a mouse. He uses a lion.

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A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"

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What does a network administrator say when he gets back to home from work ?
There’s no place like 127.0.0.1!

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Life is too short to remove USB safely.

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HR manager to job candidate: ‘I see you’ve had no computer training.
Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you’re under-qualified for our entry level positions.’

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Do files get embarrassed when they’re unzipped?

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I keep hitting “escape”, but I’m still here.

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A psychiatrist had no patients in his office and he was bored. Suddenly , the door opened slowly and a man crept into the room on four legs. His mouth was full with pieces of colored plastic. He was holding strange objects in his hands. He was dragging cables along behind himself. The doctor was glad because of the visit and exclaimed, "And what do we have here, a little snake? Come to Uncle Doctor, my snake..."
The man shook his head.
"Oh, sorry, I didn't notice your legs. You're a dragon, right?"
The man shook his head again angrily.
"Sorry... a worm?"
The visitor spitted out the plastic pieces.
"Go to hеll, you idiот! I'm the system administrator and I came to change your LAN cable!"

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Caller: Hey, can you help me? My computer has locked up, and no matter how many times
I type eleven, it won’t unfreeze.
Agent: What do you mean, “type eleven?”
Caller: The message on my screen says, “Error Type 11!”

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A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
"No thanks, I'm traveling light."

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Q: What do you call a programmer from Finland?
A: Nerdic.

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Who needs rocks? Windows breaks itself...

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