A guy walks into a bar with a four-foot crocodile on a leash, following him like a dog.
The barman says gruffly: "No pets allowed here!"
The guy says, "But this is a trained crocodile. See what it can do!"
He sets the crocodile on a table and hits it on both ears.
The crocodile opens its jaws wide.
The guy unzips his pants, puts his рескеr into the crocodile's jaws and hits the crocodile on the ears again.
The crocodile closes its jaws leaving just one-inch space, not touching the man's рескеr.
Everybody in the bar is very impressed.
To build upon it, the guy declares: "I give a hundred dollars to anyone who does it!"
But everybody is afraid to - understandably, each would rather have an undamaged рескеr than a hundred dollars.
Finally, a man wearing a pink suit, with an earring in one ear, says in an effeminate voice:
"I think I can do it!"
Everybody admires him, "What a brave man you are!"
The man continues, to the guy: "Just don't hit me so hard on the ears!"
A drunк guy is sitting at a bar by himself one night and throws up all over the front of his shirt.
"Oh great, my wife is going to кill me," he mumbles to himself.
The guy sitting next to him sees what has happened and leans over towards him, "Hey buddy, just put a twenty dollar bill in your shirt pocket and when you get home tell your wife the guy sitting next to you threw up on you and he gave you $20 to get your shirt cleaned."
Completely inebriated the drunк man thanks his new friend and puts a twenty in his shirt pocket and heads for home.
As soon as he walks through the front door his wife becomes irate and starts yelling at him, "Where have you been? you're completely drunк and you're a mess. Look at yourself, you puked all over the front of your shirt."
Completely wasted and slurring his words he explains to the wife, "No no, the guy sitting next to me threw up on my shirt and he gave me $20 to get it cleaned. Look, it's right here in my shirt pocket."
The wife reaches into his pocket and pulls out the money, "There's $40 in here."
"Oh yeah, he shiт in my pants too."
Drinking all day at a bar a man stumbles to the restroom to throw up.
He doesn't make it in time and pukes all over the front of his shirt.
As the drunк returned to the bar the bartender asks: "what the hеll happened?"
The drunк is very upset explaining to the bartender: "my wife gonna be рissеd off! She just got me this shirt as an anniversary gift. Soon as she sees puke all over it, she will be shiттy!"
The bartender, being helpful says: "I got an idea. Why don't you put a $10 bill in the front shirt pocket and when she notices the puke you can say you drove a drunк fella home from the bar and during the drive, he got sick and puked all over the front of your new shirt?"
Naturally, the guy felt bad so he gave you the $10 so you could have it cleaned.
The drunк looked at the bartender a moment, thinking it over.
"That's a great idea, the drunк slurs. Thank you."
And the drunк left.
When the drunк walked in the front door of his home there stood his wife to greet him.
She hugged him and said: "oh my lord Frank, what happened to your new shirt?"
He explained: "I drove a drunк fella home from the bar and he puked all over the front of my shirt, patting the pocket, and gave me $10 to get it cleaned."
The wife reaches in and pulls the cash from the pocket.
"But Frank," the wife says, "there is $20 here."
Frank replies, "oh, I forgot to mention, he shiт in my pants too."
A guy is walking the sтriр in Vegas when a fantastic looking hоокеr catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks, "How much do
you charge?"
The hоокеr replies, "I start at $500 for a hand job."
The guy says, "$500 for a hand job? Holy сrар, no hand job is worth that kind of money."
The hоокеr says, "You see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the McDonald's in the next block?"
"Yes."
"And do you see the Wendy's across the street?"
"Yes."
"Well," said the hоокеr, smiling invitingly, "I own all those, and I own them because I give a hand job that's worth $500."
So the guy says, "What the hеll? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They go to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He's so amazed, he says, "I suppose a вlоw job is $1000."
The hоокеr says, "No, $1500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a вlоw job!"
The hоокеr replies, "Step over to the window. Do you see those two
casinos across the street? Well, I own those, and I own them because I give вlоw jobs that are worth every cent of $1500."
The guy, still reeling from the terrific hand job, decides to put off buying
a new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Fifteen minutes later, he's sitting on the edge of the bed, more amazed than before. He can hardly believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
Deciding to go for broke, he asks, "So, how much for some рussy?"
The hоокеr says, "Come back over to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us? All those casinos, with the beautiful lights, the gaming, the showgirls?"
"Dамn!" says the guy in awe. "You own the whole city?"
The hоокеr says, "No. But I would . . . if I had a рussy."