Food Jokes

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Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fат соw give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

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Q: What do you get when you cross donkey DNA with an onion?
A: A piece of аss that will bring tears to your eyes.

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"Excuse me," he says to her, "do we know each other?"
"Sure," she answers, "one of my children is yours!"
The guy confused, thinks and suddenly remembers the only time he cheated his wife.
So he asks her: "Were you that stripper invited at a bachelor party at the suburbs last spring and we ended up having wild sеx in the kitchen? You had manacled my hands and you cramed a carrot in my a…!"
The woman frowned answers: "No, I am your son’s philologist..."

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A man and a woman started to have sеx in the middle of a dark forest.
After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Dамn, I wish I had a flashlight!".
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

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Q: Why do vegetarians give good head?
A: Beause they're used to eating nuts.

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My friend thinks that onion is the only fruit that can make us cry.
So I just threw the coconut up to his head, he cried then.

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Q: What did the clock do when it was hungry?
A: It went back four seconds.

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Q: If Nuts on your chest are Chestnuts and Nuts on a wall are Walnuts. What are Nuts on your сhin called?
A: A Соск in the mouth!

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After browsing the restaurant menu, I had a question for the waitress.
"About the salmon entrée, is that a steak or a fillet?"
"Neither," she said. "It's a fish."

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Q: Why are Germans bad cooks?
A: The only good one killed himself.

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Employee: "Hi welcome to McDonald's what can I get you today."
Little Johnny: "Can I get some McWater, A McNumber10, and a McCoke."
Employee: "Sir you know you don't have to put Mc in front of anything you order."
Little Johnny: "Ok I just really like Donald's."
Employee: "Sir its McDonald's."
Little Johnny: "Ma'am you don't have to put Mc in front of everything."

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Signs You're No Longer in College...
- You no longer know what time fast food drive-thru windows close.
- Your potted plants stay alive.
- You pay at least a dollar more than the minimum payment on your credit card bill.
- Your friends' hook-ups and break-ups are now marriages and divorces.
- You attend parties that the police don't raid.
- You're not expected to leave the room when the adults are talking.
- You refer to college students as "those kids."
- You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of just вееr, вееr and вееr.
- You feed your dog Science Diet instead of leftover pizza.
- At 6 a.m., you're putting your contact lens in instead of taking them out.
- Naps are no longer weekday options.
- Dating involves dinner and a movie, not keggers and Ecstasy.
- Grocery lists contain more than toilet paper and potato сhiрs.
- You leave parties because you have a busy day tomorrow, not because the EMS guy has strapped you down.

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So it's the weekend, and I'm on my back patio when I get this idea to call up my coroner friend Bob.
"Bob's not here," his wife says, "he's at work."
"Sheesh!" I think. "Poor guy doing autopsies on a Sunday."
So I call him on his cell.
"What gives, bro,?" I ask.
"Homicide," he says. "The higher-ups need a report ASAP. I'll be starting in just a few minutes."
I Josh Bob a little. "I'll be thinking of you, buddy. Right now, I'm basting barbecue sauce on a rack of baby-backs and I'm getting ready to open a frosty вееr."
"Not much different here," he says. "I'm about ready to сrаск open a cold one myself."

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Yo mamma so small she uses a Dorito for a hang lider.

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What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

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One day a blonde went to a sea food restaurant and saw the tank where they kept the lobsters.
She took pity on these creatures and hid them in her purse.
Later she went to the woods to set the poor animals free.

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Are your legs made of Nutella?
Because I'd love to spread them!

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Q: What do you call an Asian family tree?
A: A rice bush.

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