Food Jokes

Add a joke Newest jokes Most popular

So this dude comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still cant cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch роrn? You still cant f*ck."

0

0

Q:How do you know a clock is still hungry?
A: It goes back four seconds.

0

0

A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food!" The panda yells back, "Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda, "A tree climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats, shoots, and leaves."

0

0

What is a trees favorite drink?
Root вееr!

0

0

Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.” Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.” It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit."
"I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”

0

0

Q: Why do hamburgers go to the gym A: To get better buns!

0

0

Let the Wookiee win. While you're at it, let the Wookiee have the right of way in traffic. If they tip badly, do not complain. If the Wookiee does not return library books right on time, do not fine them. If they take food from your refrigerator, just let it go. Finally, if the Wookiee is your customer, remember that the customer is always right.

0

0

A farmer is walking with a prospective buyer when they see a beautiful pig in the yard, except it has a wooden leg. The buyer asks, "Why the wooden leg?" The farmer replies, "That pig is so smart, I let it drive the kids to school."
"Great, but why the wooden leg?"
"The pig is so smart it has a degree in horticulture and philosophy."
"Amazing! But why the вlооdy wooden leg?"
"Well when you have a pig that smart you don't eat it all at once!"

0

0

Yo mama so poor, that she goes to KFC to liск people's fingers.

0

0

Yo mama is so old that when she farts, dust comes out!

0

0

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"
The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"

0

0

Holiday Revelers, just remember: …. …..
1) Alcohol is not the 5th food group. …. …..
2) You’re on your own if the parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. …. …..
3) You have a real problem if you have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. …. …..
4) It’s time to quit if the back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. …. …..
5) You can’t change a chandelier bulb by holding the bulb to the socket and letting the room spin. …. …..

0

0

My wife wasn’t impressed with the restaurant I’d chosen for our anniversary meal.
“There was a cockroach in the toilet,” she said.
“Oh come on.. A cockroach doesn’t necessarily mean their food is bad.”
“Really?… Well this one was throwing up.”

0

0

11) I'm spiking the punch at the reception. That'll liven things up!
10) Hey! Did I just see the dead guy move?
9) Hey, this is the first time Grandpa's been stiff in twenty years!
8) The sonofabitch is lucky he's dead. He still owes me twenty bucks!
7) (to children) Be quiet or we'll bury you with him.
6) I'll trade you the clock I inherited for the golf clubs you inherited.
5) I don't really know him/her. I'm just here for the free food afterwards.
4) It's about time. I was getting sick of her whining.
3) Is this service over yet? I'm gonna miss the hockey game.
2) (to Pastor performing service) So, this is what your God does, eh? Кill people and break up families? Tell me... Why do you continue to worship him? He sounds like an a**hole.
1) (to widow) Well, you're officially single now. Whatcha doin' Friday night?

0

0

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall, "$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!"

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where chaos breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

0

0

A redneck had become a major buyer of a furniture company in Alabama. The company sent him to buy some new lines of furniture in France, they gave him three days to buy the furniture. The redneck went over there on the first day and closed the deal with a furniture manufacturer, so he had two days left. He decided to go to a bistro and have some wine, he sat down had a glass and he sees a very good looking woman across the room and motions her so come over there, and the woman started to speak to him in french so put his hand up to hush her up, and he drew a picture of a wine glass and she nods her head and he orders her a glass of wine and they continue to talk this way, he then draws some food and she nods her head so they go to restaurant and he orders two plates of pasta and they continue to talk through drawing. When the redneck hears some music playing he draws a picture of two stick figures dancing, and she nods her head and they start dancing. So when they stop dancing the woman draws a picture of a four post bed, and till this day that redneck does not know how she knew he was in the furniture business.

0

0

DIET DAY 1.
I have removed all the bad food from my home.
It was delicious.

0

0

Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to Michigan, the other to Florida. They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach and play golf.

At age 30, they finish their round of golf and go to lunch.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Ноотеrs.”
“Why?”
“Well, you know, they got the pretty girls there."
“OK.”

Ten years later at age 40 they play.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Ноотеrs.
“Why?”
“Well, you know, they got cold вееr and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games.”
“OK.”

Ten years later at age 50 they play.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Ноотеrs.”
“Why?”
“The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking.”
”OK.”

At age 60 they play.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Ноотеrs.”
“Why?”
“Wings are half price.”
“OK”

At age 70 they play.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Ноотеrs.”
“Why?”
“They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door.”
“OK.”

At age 80 they play.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Ноотеrs.”
“Why?”
“We’ve never been there before."

0

0