Food Jokes

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Brave Pig With the Peg Leg Το γουρουνάκι. - Чичо - ¿Cómo es que últimamente te va tan bien Pepe? - Se lo debo a un cerdo que me compré. Fue un poco caro Veterinären hör talas om en bonde som har en gris med protes. Han åker genast dit Era una vez un tipo que recorría la carretera en su vehículo y de repente
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An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"
The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"
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So, I'm at a store buying a bag of dog food for my dog. While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog. I told her that I was starting the Dog Food Diet again and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with food Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(At that point practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, the lady behind asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's вuтт and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
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A redneck had become a major buyer of a furniture company in Alabama. The company sent him to buy some new lines of furniture in France, they gave him three days to buy the furniture. The redneck went over there on the first day and closed the deal with a furniture manufacturer, so he had two days left. He decided to go to a bistro and have some wine, he sat down had a glass and he sees a very good looking woman across the room and motions her so come over there, and the woman started to speak to him in french so put his hand up to hush her up, and he drew a picture of a wine glass and she nods her head and he orders her a glass of wine and they continue to talk this way, he then draws some food and she nods her head so they go to restaurant and he orders two plates of pasta and they continue to talk through drawing. When the redneck hears some music playing he draws a picture of two stick figures dancing, and she nods her head and they start dancing. So when they stop dancing the woman draws a picture of a four post bed, and till this day that redneck does not know how she knew he was in the furniture business.
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Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to Michigan, the other to Florida. They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach and play golf.

At age 30, they finish their round of golf and go to lunch.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Ноотеrs.”
“Why?”
“Well, you know, they got the pretty girls there."
“OK.”

Ten years later at age 40 they play.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Ноотеrs.
“Why?”
“Well, you know, they got cold вееr and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games.”
“OK.”

Ten years later at age 50 they play.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Ноотеrs.”
“Why?”
“The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking.”
”OK.”

At age 60 they play.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Ноотеrs.”
“Why?”
“Wings are half price.”
“OK”

At age 70 they play.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Ноотеrs.”
“Why?”
“They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door.”
“OK.”

At age 80 they play.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Ноотеrs.”
“Why?”
“We’ve never been there before."
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If swimming is a good exercise to stay FIT, why are whales FАТ??
Why is the place in a stadium where people SIT, called a STAND?
Why is that everyone wants to go to HEAVEN but nobody wants to DIE?
Shall I say that there is racial discrimination even in chess as the WHITE piece is moved FIRST?
In our country, we have FREEDOM of SPEECH, then why do we have TELEPHONE BILLS?
If money doesn’t grow on TREES then why do banks have BRANCHES?
Why doesn’t GLUE stick to its BOTTLE?
Why do you still call it a BUILDING when its already BUILT?
If its true that we are here to HELP others, what are others HERE for?
If you arent supposed to DRINK and DRIVE why do bars have PARKING lots?
If All The Nations In The World Are In Debt, Where Did All The Money Go..?
When Dog Food Is New With Improved Taste, Who Tests It..?
If The “Black Box” Flight Recorder Is Never Damaged During A Plane Crash, Why Isn’t The Whole Airplane Made Out Of That Stuff..?
Who Copyrighted The Copyright Symbol..?
Can You Cry Under Water..?
Why Do People Say “You’ve Been Working Like A Dog” When Dogs Just Sit Around All Day..??
We all r Living in a seriously funny world..!
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