1) Someone came up to me last week and complained about a joke, quite a big-воnеd girl. She said:
“I think you’re fattist.” I said:
“No, I think you’ll find you’re fattest”.
2) If we’re all God’s children, what’s so special about Jesus?
3) Years after the Chernobyl accident and am I the only one that’s disappointed? Still no superheroes.
4) When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church.
5) I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you реnis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It’s the two from my mum that really hurt.
6) Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.
7) I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
8) No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea, you never get that tea.
9) I went up to the airport information desk. I said:
“How many airports are there in the world?”
10) When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in Mexico last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
11) A dog is for life, not just for Christmas. So be careful at the next office Christmas party.
12) I’m not saying Michael Jackson is guilty. But if I was a billionaire раеdорhilе, I’d buy a funfair for my back garden.
13) My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called ‘Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking’. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian…
14) The reason old men use Viаgrа is not that they are impotent. It’s that old women are so very, very ugly.
15) When someone close to you dies, move seats.
16) British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
17) Throwing acid is wrong… in some people’s eyes.
18) Boxers don’t have sеx before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don’t fancy each other.
19) I broke up with a girl once because she lied about her weight. I say that, she died in a bungee jumping accident.
20) I’ve got a friend whose nickname is ‘shаggеr’. You might think that’s pretty cool. She doesn’t like it.
21) The first guy who persuaded a blind person they needed sunglasses - he must have been a hеll of a salesman.
22) My girlfriend recently had a phantom pregnancy. And now we have a little baby ghost.
23) Has anyone else seen those incredibly powerful advertisements in cinemas where each time a famous person clicked their fingers an African child dies? I watched those and couldn’t help thinking:
“Stop clicking your fingers”.
24) In the pursuit of scientific progress, animals have been tortured for the past hundred years. They’re still not talking. I’m starting to think they don’t know anything.
25) I once did a gig in the US once for the homeless. It was nice to see so many bums on seats.
26) They say the camera adds 10lbs. Stop eating cameras!
27) My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sеx. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying:
“Can I have a new bike?” He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.
28) If you tell a girl you like her but she says, “I love you more like a brother”, suggest a weekend in Norfolk. Unless you’re from Norfolk, in which case it probably is your sister.
29) I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him:
“They’re like buses.” He said:
“What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once?” I said:
“No, they are like buses!”
30) My dad’s dying wish was to have his family around him. I can’t help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
31) I did a sponsored walk, once. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.
32) Swimming is good for you, especially if you’re drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don’t die.
33) There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me :
“Oh don’t worry, it happens to a lot of guys”. Okay, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys? And second, if it’s happening to more than one of us don’t you think it could be your fault?
34) My father always used to say:
“What doesn’t кill you, makes you stronger”. Until the accident.
35) My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said:
“Alright, fatty?”
36) Did you know you’re ten times more likely to get mugged in London than New York City? Thats because you don’t live in New York City.
37) I’m not being condescending. I’m too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn’t understand.
38) I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they’re not a ‘proper’ present.
39) I’d rather see a pregnant woman standing on the bus than a fат girl sitting down crying.
40) A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said:
“Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?” I said:
“All right, but we won’t get much done”.
I'm going to start rapping. I think it fits me. I think the first step to being a good rapper is you got to have a cool rapper name, right? Like Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg -- those are cool names. I think my favorite name is LL Cool J, though, because LL Cool J -- I don't know if you know this -- stands for 'Ladies Love Cool James.' Like, he put it in his name, like, 'Вiтсhеs like me, what you got?' Like, that's pretty tight. So, I came up with my own name in the style of his name, but mine's a little bit longer. Mine is LL BJFW Cool DAMTNET, and mine stands for 'Ladies Like Being Just Friends With Cool Daniel and Most Times Not Even That.'
Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said,
"I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed."
She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches, rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee рот for brewing the next morning.
She then put some wet clothes into the dryer, put a load of clothes into the wash, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the newspapers strewn on the floor, picked up the game pieces left on the table, watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry.
She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse.
Mom then washed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and trimmed her nails. Hubby called, "I thought you were going to bed."
"I'm on my way," she said.
She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out a bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirтy socks in the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.
In the bedroom, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow.
About that time, hubby turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular "I'm going to bed,", and he did.