A bloke went down to the pet shop in search for an animal to keep him company at home.
He didn’t have many friends and wanted a pet to give him purpose. The bloke walks into the pet shop and gets greeted by the cashier
“Good afternoon sir what can I help you with today?”
“I’ve come to look for a pet to keep me company” The bloke replies.
“Well then I’ve got just the thing for you” said the cashier.
He takes from under the counter a little matchbox.. “inside here is a talking caterpillar and today you can have it for just £50”
“What a bargain” the bloke replies. He hands him 50 quid and takes the match box home.
When he arrives home he can’t wait to ask the caterpillar if he’d like to go out and do something with him. He puts the match box on the table, knocks on the top and out comes the caterpillar!
“Alright mate do you want to go down the pub for a few pints?!” Says the bloke.
The caterpillar looks up him and goes back into the box.
Half an hour later the bloke tried again, he knocks on the matchbox and out comes the caterpillar.
“Alright mate do you want to go to the pub for a few pints?!”
Again, the caterpillar looks up at him and goes back into the box.
Confused the man wonders whether he should get some sort of refund for this shiт!
An hour later he tries one more time - he knocks on the matchbox and out comes the caterpillar..
“Alright mate, I’m going to try one more time.. do you want you to come down the pub for a few pints?!
To which the caterpillar replies
“Yeah alright mate I heard you the first time! I’ve been putting my fuскing shoes on”

The Joke Cafe gives you sеxuаl advice………,,
My husband continually asks me to perform оrаl sеx on him.
Do it. Sемеn can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform оrаl sеx on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.
My husband doesn’t know where my сliтоris is.
Your сliтоris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform оrаl sеx on him and cook him a delicious meal.
My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it’s a great time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform оrаl sеx on him. Then cook him a nice meal.
My husband wants a тhrееsоме with my best friend and me.
Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing - your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you’re still not sure then just perform оrаl sеx on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.
My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sеx should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing оrаl sеx on him and cooking him a nice meal.
My husband always has an оrgаsм then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.
I’m not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you’ve forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said,
"I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed."
She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches, rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee рот for brewing the next morning.
She then put some wet clothes into the dryer, put a load of clothes into the wash, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the newspapers strewn on the floor, picked up the game pieces left on the table, watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry.
She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse.
Mom then washed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and trimmed her nails. Hubby called, "I thought you were going to bed."
"I'm on my way," she said.
She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out a bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirтy socks in the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.
In the bedroom, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow.
About that time, hubby turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular "I'm going to bed,", and he did.