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Friendship Jokes

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My friend sent me a text tonight asking if I wanted to go see Saw with the lads.
They thought the movie was shiт.
But that was nothing compared to my shiт night sitting in a playground waiting for them to show up.
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After leaving the racetrack Bill bumped into his old friend Peter on the bus.
“Say,” Peter said, “How’s it going?”
“Going? You want to hear one of the most amazing things that ever happened? Tell me- what’s today’s date?”
“July seventh.” “Right. The seventh day, of the seventh month. I go to the track at seven minutes past seven. My son is seven years old today, and we live at number seven, Seventh Avenue.” “Let me guess,” Peter interrupted. “You put everything you had on the seventh horse in the seventh race.” “Right.”
“And he won!” Peter sighed.
“No. He came in seventh.”
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A guy went fishing with his friend and had to ask, "Where is that new rod and reel you had the last time we went fishing? I can't help but notice that you’re using a stick a string and a safety pin for a hook."
His friend replied, "My wife thinks I'm wasting money so I told her I’d take the new rod and reel back if I didn’t catch a fish... any more questions?"
"Yes, why didn’t you go to the market and buy a fish to take home? If you remember that's what I did last year so I could keep my fishing gear."
His friend answered, "I did, but I forgot to take it out of the package!"
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Two friends were talking.
"There are so many cemeteries in your neighborhood."
"I know, people are just dying to live here."
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Ben was complaining to his friend Ralph about his new girlfriend. "I think Tonya is a hoarder. I went over to her place for the first time yesterday andeverywhere I looked, there were magazines. Dozens of them, strewn around everywhere. People, Good Housekeeping, Readers Digest, TV Guide, Life, Time, Newsweek. You name it, she had it."
"I wouldn't go out with her anymore if I were you," said Ralph.
"Why not?"
"She has issues."
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One day, while strolling down the boardwalk, I bumped into an old friend of mine, Rob, from high school. “You look great Rob, how do you stay looking so young? Why you must be at least 65 already but you don’t look a day over 40!” I exclaimed.
“I feel like I’m 40 too!” replied Rob.
“That’s incredible,” I said, “Does it run in the family? How old was your dad when he passed?”
“Did I say he was dead?” asked Rob. “He’s 81 and is more active than ever. He just joined the neighborhood basketball team!” responded Rob.
“Whoa! Well, how old was your Grandfather when he died?”
“Did I say he died” asked Rob. “He just had his 105th birthday and plays golf and goes swimming each day! He’s actually getting married this week!"
“Getting married?!” I asked. If he’s 105, why on earth does he want to get married?!
Rob looked at me, smiled, and replied, “Did I say he wanted to?”
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An Englishman took a business trip to New York. When he arrived, the hotel clerk asked him a riddle. "My mom and dad had a baby. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"
The Englishman thought long and hard, but eventually gave up. "I don't know who was it?"
The hotel clerk responded, "It was me!"
The Englishman thought that was hilarious. He couldn't wait to get home and tell this funny joke to his family and friends in England.
When he arrived home they met him at the airport and he asked them:
"My mom and dad had a baby. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"
His friends thought and thought about it until they gave up. So he told them, "It was a hotel clerk I met in New York."
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Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary:
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered by Medicare
FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
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A man and his wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big passionate kiss, says she’ll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, ‘Who the hеll was that?’
‘Oh,’ replies the husband, ‘that’s my mistress.’
‘Well, that’s the last straw,’ says the wife. ‘I’ve had enough, I want a divorce.’
‘I can understand that,’ replies her husband, ‘but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don’t get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus’s in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.’
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous ваве on his arm.
‘Who’s that woman with Jim?’ asks the wife.
‘That’s his mistress,’ says her husband.
‘Ours is much prettier,’ she replies.
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There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.
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There were two secretaries that worked at this very large company. They didn’t know one another very well, but were friendly at work.
It was vacation time and they stood before the vacation schedule to see when they had time off. They noticed that their vacation days were the same.
Both were single, so after discussing their plans, they decided they could save money on a trip by going together.
They chose an exotic island getaway and on the way there, they soon discovered all they had in common. After a long flight, they checked into their single bedroom and decided to call it a night.
As they lay in bed, the one girl leaned close to the other, placed her arm around her seductively and said, “I really need to tell you Something and I’m going to be frank..”
Suddenly, the other girl rose up and said, “NO, I want to be Frank!”
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An Antartian was driving home on the freeway after work when she was hit by a hailstorm that left her car completely dented all over. She decided to go to a body shop and asked the owner how much he would charge to remove the dents. Seeing that she was an antartian, he winked at his partner, and told her it wouldn't cost anything if she followed his instructions carefully.
She drove home and when her antartian roommate came out of the house she found her friend sitting on the ground at the back of the car blowing really hard in the tail pipe.
"What on earth are you doing" she asked.
Her friend looking up with big smile and a black ring around her mouth said "The man at the body shop told me that I could save a lot of money on repair work if I blew really hard into the tail pipe. he said that all the dents would pop out"
"Daaahhh" said her friend, "but first you have to roll up all the windows!!!"
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My friend told me that onions are the only food that makes you cry. So I threw an apple at his face. He was wrong.
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One day, I saw a friend of mine crying over a bag of сhiрs.
I asked him what's wrong and he said that he was just following the instruction written on the bag of сhiрs.
"Tear here to open!"
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Totally do this to your friends!
Me:I bet I could get you to say blue
Friend:no you can't
Me:what are the colors of American flag?
Friend:red,white and another color
Me:HA!I told you I could get you to say red!
Friend:but you where trying to make me say blue!
Me: HA! Gotcha!
Friendamnit!
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Goofy Fred took a friend driving on a narrow mountain road. After a while the friend said, “I feel very scared whenever you go around one of those sharp bends.”
“Then do what I do,” said Fred, “close your eyes.”
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I'm so deep in the friendzone; I even met her boyfriend's parents
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My extremely gаy friend had an 80’s themed costume party.
I came dressed up as AIDS.
Nobody really knew what I was at the start of the party, but by the end, everybody got it.
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