Friendship Jokes

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I asked my diabetic friend why he doesn’t inject insulin.
He said he’s not the type two.

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(two friends text eachother a day after a party..)
FRIEND: Dude, you were sooo drunк last night!!!
ME: No, i was not!!!
FRIEND:: SERIOUSLY?! You climbed on top of a red and blue pick-up truck and whispered to it "Optimus Prime... I know your secret" xD hahah сrаск up!!
ME: Oh geez, did i do that?
FRIEND: Yep
Me:
- _-

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Two old men are sat on a bench at the park. A young, fit girl runs past in a sports вrа and a tiny pair of shorts. One of the men smiles and this brings the girl over.
“Why are you staring at me and grinning, you pervert?” she says.
The old man sweetly replies “My dear I’m not smiling at you, I’m smiling at the thought that no matter how bad the world gets, there will always be young, pretty girls in the summer to cheer up a lonely old man”
The girl replies awwwww you sweet old man leans in and gives him a kiss on the cheek and jogs on.
The old man turns to his friend and says 2 nil мотhеrfuскеr, your turn..

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A young man, while bringing flowers to a cemetery, noticed an old Chinese man placing a bowl of rice on a nearby grave.
The young man walked up to the Chinese man and asked,
"When do you expect your friend to come up and eat the rice?"
The old Chinese man replied with a smile, "Same time your friend comes up to smell the flowers."

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A man is complaining to a friend:
“I had it all, money, a beautiful house, a nice car, a great motorcycle, the love of a beautiful woman. Then it was all gone!”
“What happened?” asks the friend.
“My wife found out!” replied the man.

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A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside service at a small country cemetery.
There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because the deceased had no family or friends left.
The young pastor started early to the cemetery, but soon lost his way.
After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a half-hour late.
The hearse was no where in sight, and the workman were relaxing under a nearby tree, eating their lunch.
The pastor went to the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place.
He took out his book and read the service.
As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say, “Maybe we’d better tell him that’s a septic tank.”

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Ron and his new friend Arty were having a drink together, and were talking about their respective married lives.
I had sеx with my wife before we were married,” said Don, “did you?”
“Gee, I don’t know,” answered Arty. “What was your wifes maiden name?”

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A universal law of Men.
An upward nod is for friends, a downward nod is for fellow men.

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Friend: Sup bro fight me come one fight me
Me: I would fight you but that would be animal abuse

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My friend Harris had to get his baby photos taken from a satellite

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A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non- antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable for the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways…
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy and I would nod my head and say ‘Yes, it was.’ The men would ask, ‘Can I borrow that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Not right now, it’s all booked up for the next six months.'”

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Ron was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends were already married while Ron just bounced from one relationship to the next.
Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"
"No," Ron replied. "I meet a lot of nice women, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find one who's just like your dear ol' Mother?"
Many weeks passed before Ron and his friend crossed paths again.
"So Ron. Did you find the perfect woman yet? One that's just like your Mother?"
Ron shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends."
"Excellent!!! So... Are you and this girl engaged yet?"
"I'm afraid not," Ron replied, "My Father can't stand her!"

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I bumped into an old school friend today.
He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.
Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
I said, “If you think she’s gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?”
I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
- --

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In high school, two boys, two friends (one Spanish and one American), were talking about the grades they received in their classes.
American boy:
"You got an F in Spanish! How could that happen? Spanish is what you speak at home and stuff."
Spanish boy:
"Probably the same way you got an F in English."

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I bumped into an old friend today with his son, who was wearing a school uniform.
I said to his son, “Wow, look how big you are getting. What year are you in?”
He said, “2015, like everyone else.”

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A man walks into a library with a book on suicide.
The librarian says, “sorry to hear about your friend”.

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Death is near. if YOU dont kickass This AND send it to ten of YOUR friends, YOUR Death will come. A person ignored This and who knows Where he went? a girl sent This to only five of his friends and had hallucinations that made her mad. Ignore This AND YOUR fate...... is sealed

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The day my little boy was born, a friend of mine called me because his little girl was born the day before. He goes, 'Who knows? Maybe they'll end up getting married.' My little boy's a day old. His little girl's two days old. He's not gonna marry someone twice his age.

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