Friendship Jokes

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One day Mr. Jones was playing golf and died of an heart attack. Nobody wanted to tell Mrs. Jones. When Mrs. Jones got worried one of his friends told her that he lost 5,000 dollars playing poker. Mrs. Jones said he probably dropped dead. Funny you should mention that said his friend.

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A Man sees a sign that says вlоwjовs, A half an hour later he sees his friend come out of there shaking. He asked "Did you get a good BJ?" The man replies,
"Oh, I didn't know you could get a вlоwjов."

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A man calls home to his wife and says,
"Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says,
"Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."

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A couple were having friends round for dinner and decided to go for a French evening, with snails etc.
The man got the shopping list and volunteered to do the shopping, while his wife tidied up.
On the way back from the shops he bumped into an old pal and they went for a pint or five.
Half рissеd and an hour and a half late, he staggers up to the garden gate.
He quickly gets the bag of snails out, lines them up on the path and rings the веll.
Before his wife can even think about moaning, the man looks at the snails and says…..
“Come on you little fcukers, get a move on, we’re never going to get ready at this fсuкing rate!”

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Boy: i love nicki minaj
Friend:yeah i noticed.
Boy:how?
Friend:because you love plastics

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My son’s friend has НIV.
He bought him round at the weekend.
As he went to shake my hand I quickly declined.
My son whispered, “Dad, you can’t catch НIV by shaking hands.”
“I know son,” I replied, “but he’s black.”

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Me: hey its Miley Cyrus!
Friend: oh yah......... why is she with your mom?
Me: she told me she's going to audition to be Miley Cyrus wrecking ball.
Friend: that explains alot

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When my friend got a job, her husband agreed to share the housework. He was stunned by the amount of effort involved in keeping a house clean with small boys to pick up after, and insisted that he and his wife shop for a new vacuum cleaner.
The salesman gave them a demonstration of the latest model. “It comes equipped with all the newest features,” he assured them.
The husband was not convinced. “Don’t you have a riding one?” he asked.

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The wife of my friend is not a woman to me. But if she's pretty he's not my friend.

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My best friend just had her third child. She'll be sterilized by the state soon.

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As long as the power button to the PlayStation is in the 'on' position, she just slipped to number two on your list of priorities. And no woman wants to slip. She don't wanna be behind your mama, your friends, your career -- certainly not John Madden.

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The inventor of internet роrn died last week.
Most of his friends attended the funeral, but had to leave hastily when their wives turned up.

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Some people only gets called by their nicknames. Usually it sounds weird to even say their real name.

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England's West Country is known for its charming cottage-like shops. While visiting the area, my friend peered in through one window to see shelf upon shelf of interesting looking books. So, she went inside.
A woman appeared through a beaded curtain and asked,
"Can I help you?"
"No, just browsing," said my friend.
"Fine," came the reply. "But, just so you know, around here, most people knock before entering someone's home."

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Friend: You're supposed to expand the brackets, dude!
Me: Like I expand your mum's legs every Sunday evening?

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My friend said to me, “My wife makes Susan Boyle look beautiful.”
I said, “Thank God you said that. I’ve been wanting to say something for years. She’s so fuскing ugly. What were you thinking when you married her?”
He said, “…No, you fuскing сunт, she’s Susan’s new personal make-up artist.”

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Some people don’t know the meaning of hygiene. There I was with my friend, in the cemetery, digging up a corpse to fuск it up its аrsе. After we managed to dig it up and have our way with it, my friend says:
“What if the police come, take sреrм samples and find out it was us? Let’s destroy the evidence.”
So he sticks a straw up the аrsе and starts suскing. At some point he looks up to me and says:
“I’ve had enough! You have a go.”
Disgusted, I said: Fuск off, you сunт! Not with the same straw!

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Me: The police shot a thief in the finger and he died.
Friend: How did he die if he was shot in the finger?
Me: His finger was in his nose!

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