Friendship Jokes

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A couple were having friends round for dinner and decided to go for a French evening, with snails etc.
The man got the shopping list and volunteered to do the shopping, while his wife tidied up.
On the way back from the shops he bumped into an old pal and they went for a pint or five.
Half рissеd and an hour and a half late, he staggers up to the garden gate.
He quickly gets the bag of snails out, lines them up on the path and rings the веll.
Before his wife can even think about moaning, the man looks at the snails and says…..
“Come on you little fcukers, get a move on, we’re never going to get ready at this fсuкing rate!”

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Boy: i love nicki minaj
Friend:yeah i noticed.
Boy:how?
Friend:because you love plastics

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My son’s friend has НIV.
He bought him round at the weekend.
As he went to shake my hand I quickly declined.
My son whispered, “Dad, you can’t catch НIV by shaking hands.”
“I know son,” I replied, “but he’s black.”

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When my friend got a job, her husband agreed to share the housework. He was stunned by the amount of effort involved in keeping a house clean with small boys to pick up after, and insisted that he and his wife shop for a new vacuum cleaner.
The salesman gave them a demonstration of the latest model. “It comes equipped with all the newest features,” he assured them.
The husband was not convinced. “Don’t you have a riding one?” he asked.

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The wife of my friend is not a woman to me. But if she's pretty he's not my friend.

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My best friend just had her third child. She'll be sterilized by the state soon.

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As long as the power button to the PlayStation is in the 'on' position, she just slipped to number two on your list of priorities. And no woman wants to slip. She don't wanna be behind your mama, your friends, your career -- certainly not John Madden.

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The inventor of internet роrn died last week.
Most of his friends attended the funeral, but had to leave hastily when their wives turned up.

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Two Jews met 25 years after their last get-together. They hugged and slapped each others back and tears formed in their eyes as they renewed their old friendship. “Let’s have a drink like we did in the old days,” said the first Jew. “Yes,” his mate replied. “And don’t forget it’s your round.”

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Some people only gets called by their nicknames. Usually it sounds weird to even say their real name.

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England's West Country is known for its charming cottage-like shops. While visiting the area, my friend peered in through one window to see shelf upon shelf of interesting looking books. So, she went inside.
A woman appeared through a beaded curtain and asked,
"Can I help you?"
"No, just browsing," said my friend.
"Fine," came the reply. "But, just so you know, around here, most people knock before entering someone's home."

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Friend: You're supposed to expand the brackets, dude!
Me: Like I expand your mum's legs every Sunday evening?

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Some people don’t know the meaning of hygiene. There I was with my friend, in the cemetery, digging up a corpse to fuск it up its аrsе. After we managed to dig it up and have our way with it, my friend says:
“What if the police come, take sреrм samples and find out it was us? Let’s destroy the evidence.”
So he sticks a straw up the аrsе and starts suскing. At some point he looks up to me and says:
“I’ve had enough! You have a go.”
Disgusted, I said: Fuск off, you сunт! Not with the same straw!

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Me: The police shot a thief in the finger and he died.
Friend: How did he die if he was shot in the finger?
Me: His finger was in his nose!

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I'm in a relationship right now, you know, crossing my fingers. The relationship is great; the sеx is great. My friends said, 'Whoa, you've had sеx out of wedlock?' I said, 'Oh no, she's married.'

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End of the year essay: In this school, I learned...
Friendship
Unity
Compassion
Kindness
Thanking
History
Imagination
Society

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Two people are texting. One is called Stacy who is blonde and the other is called Rachel who is a brunette.
Rachel: Hey sorry I lost my phone I can't text right now.
Stacy: Well can you PLEASE find it I really want to text you... you are my best friend!!!
Rachel: You're an idiот.
Stacy: Umm I'm not the one who lost my phone can you just text me when you find it?
Rachel: You're such a blonde. Read my first text again.
Stacy: IK !!! FIND YOUR PHONE !!!

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Friend:u home me: yea watching the game friend: good i'm comin over and i'm bringing cold hermaphrodites with me
Me: uh... No thanks bro
Friend: hermaphrodites!
Heineken! Jesus crust
Christ!
Me: lol ill unlock the door u freak

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