Don’t eat turkey sandwiches, no matter what ! !
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that
They both brought turkey sandwiches every day! This went on all through
The fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich
Wasn’t a turkey sandwich.
He said, ‘Hey, how come you’re not eating turkey, don’t you like it anymore?’
She said ‘I love it but I have to stop eating it.’
‘Why?’ he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said ‘Cause I’m starting to grow little
Feathers down there!’
‘Let me see’ he said.
‘Okay’ and she showed him. He looked and said, ‘That’s right. You are! Better
Not eat any more turkey.’
He kept eating his turkey sandwiches until one day he brought a peanut
Butter sandwich instead. He said to the little girl, ‘I have to stop eating turkey
Sandwiches, I’m starting to get feathers down there too!’ She asked if she
Could look, so he showed her!
She said, ‘Oh, my God, it’s too late for you!
You’ve already got the NECK and Giblets!!
One day a rabbit managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. “Wow, this is great!” he thought. It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it, he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
“Hey!” he called. “I’m a rabbit from the laboratory and I’ve just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?”
“Yes. Come and join us,” they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.
“What else do you wild rabbits do?” he asked.
“Well,” one of them said, “you see that field there? It’s got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.”
This he couldn’t resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.
Later, he asked them again, “What else do you do?”
“You see that field there? It’s got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.”
The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.
“Is there anything else you guys do?” he asked.
One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. “There’s one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,” he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. “They’re girls. We shаg them. Go and try it.”
Well, our furry friend spent the rest of the morning sсrеwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys.
“That was fantastic,” he panted.
“So, are you going to live with us then?” one of them asked.
“I’m sorry, I’ve had a great time but I can’t.”
The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. “Why? We thought you liked it here.”
“I do,” our friend replied, “but I must get back to the laboratory. I’m dying for a cigarette.”
One Spring afternoon, I came home to find two little girls on the steps of my building. Both were crying hard, shedding big tears. Thinking they might be hurt, I dropped my briefcase and quickly went over to them. "Are you all right?" I asked.
Still sobbing, one held up her doll. "My baby's arm came off," she said.
I took the doll and its disjointed arm. After a little effort and luck, the doll was again whole. "Thank you," came a whisper from the girl as I handed her the doll back. Next, looking into the tearful eyes of her friend, I asked,
"And what's the matter with you, young lady?"
She wiped her cheeks and said,
"Oh I'm okay, I was just helping her cry."
Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure that went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying a single dollar bill that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirтy deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife into the local Safeway grocery store. There he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled onto the scene.
Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings was captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. And that is why the next day in the newspaper, the headlines declared:
"Artie chokes two for a dollar at safeway"
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!
A fine-looking gentleman sat down in the main dining room of an expensive restaurant. He ordered a big dinner and spent an hour enjoying himself.
After he was given the check, he summoned the headwaiter. "Ah, my friend," he said,
"That was a delicious meal! Perhaps you don't remember that I was a guest at this same table just about a year ago. And at that time I couldn't pay the check, so you, sir had me thrown out in full view of all the other diners."
"I am so sorry, sir," said the head waiter, "but, you understand-"
"Oh it's quite all right," interrupted the gentleman, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again."