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Hotel Jokes

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The other day, my 13 year old daughter asked me where she came from.
I decided to be honest but you should have seen her face when I told her she came from a Portugese hotel room.
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A plane is on its final approach into an airport. The pilot comes on over the intercom. "This is Captain Martin. We're now on our final descent. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay."
He forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well, what are you doing today?"
Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation. "Well," says the captain, "first I'm going to check into the hotel and brush my teeth. Then I'm going to ask the new stewardess out for dinner."
Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, an elderly lady grabs her by the arm to stop her, leans over and says,
"No need to run, dear, he's gotta brush his teeth first."
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After a severe earthquake in Dublin, Ireland.
Rescuers were searching the rubble of a collapsed city centre hotel, when they heard a faint Irish voice shout “Help….! Fecking help me…!!!”
The rescuers shouted “Where are you..? ”
Paddy shouts “I’m in room 236” .
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“I’d like to check myself out,” I said to the receptionist at the hotel.
“Go ahead, there’s a mirror behind you,” she said.
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The hotel has a live band and my favourite song is "We're going for a break now, we'll be back later".
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A businessman hailed a cab from his hotel and asked to be driven to the hospital about a mile away.
The cabby started driving but he was only going about 15 mph.
The passenger banged on the partition and said speed it up.
The cabby screamed hit the gas and plowed into a tree.
The passenger said what the heck is wrong with you?
This is my first day driving a cab.
I drove for a funeral home for 15 years and no one ever banged on my partition.
You scared the living-daylights out of me!
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I burst into a hotel I was passing with a young girl over my shoulder last night.
“Please, I’ve just found her unconscious in the street,” I panted. “I think she’s taken an overdose of drugs.”
“Shall I phone an ambulance?” the receptionist panicked.
“No,” I replied. “I want a room.”
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I walked up to reception in the hotel and said, “Sorry but I forgot what room I’m in.”
“No problem Sir, this is called the lobby.”
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because”, he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
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“Hotel Rwanda” has a high score on Rotten Tomatoes. But their Yelp reviews are terrible.
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Tom and Anna are both 60 years old and have been married for 40 years.
One day they go for a walk and all of a sudden a good fairy stands in front of them and says, “You’ve been married for so long and you’re so cute together, I’ll grant you a wish each.”
The woman is beside herself with joy and wishes for a trip to Thailand. Рооf – she’s holding two tickets to Thailand and a five star hotel voucher for two.
The man says, “Wow, that’s one chance in a lifetime! I’m sorry, darling, but I wish I had a wife that’s 30 years younger than me.”
“Are you sure?” asks the fairy.
“Yes!” replies Tom without hesitation.
Poof once more – and he’s 90.
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Facebook and basic cable
Reading Facebook feels like I'm watching basic cable in a hotel: All I want is Comedy Central, but all I can find is the Food Network, workout infomercials and Fox News.
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I went to a hotel on Friday, stayed for three nights, and came back on Friday.
My horse is named Friday.
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The guests in this hotel are always stealing soaps, shower gels and shampoos from their rooms.
Dirty ваsтаrds!
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