Jewish Jokes

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A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?”
"What...you coming empty handed?"

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Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."
The one says to the other, "should we do it?"
The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?"
The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it."
So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out.
The friend says "well, did you get the money?"
He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it?"

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In the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from Chicago treated herself to her first real vacation in Florida.
Being unfamiliar with the area, she wandered into a restricted hotel in North Miami.
"Excuse me," she said to the manager. "My name is Mrs. Goldstein, and I’d like a small room for two weeks."
"I’m awfully sorry," he replied, "but all of our rooms are occupied."
Just as he said that, a man came down and checked out.
"What luck," said Mrs. Goldstein. "Now there’s a room.
"Not so fast, Madam. I’m sorry, but this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed."
"Jewish? Who’s Jewish? I happen to be Catholic."
"I find that hard to believe. Let me ask you, who was the Son of God?"
"Jesus, Son of Mary."
"Where was he born?"
"In a stable."
"And why was he born in a stable?"
"Because a schmuck like you wouldn’t let a Jew rent a room in his hotel!"

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Q: Why is it jewish men won't go down on a woman?
A: Too close to the gas chamber.

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Q: What's worse than holocaust?
A: 6M Jews.

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Q: How do you кill 1000 Jews at once?
A: Throw a dollar off a cliff.

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Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused.
His mother was Jewish and his father was Hispanic.
So Johnny says, "Mum, am I more Jewish or more Hispanic?"
"What does it really matter? You’ll just have to ask your father", his mother tells him.
So Johnny’s father gets home from work and Johnny asks the same question,
"Dad, am I more Jewish or more Hispanic?"
"What kind of a question is that, does it really matter? Why do you want to know if you’re more Jewish or more Hispanic?" asks his dad.
"Well, it’s like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, I don’t know whether to talk him down to $25, or wait till dark and steel the fuскing thing!"

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A young Jewish Mom walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten.
"Behave, my bubaleh," she says.
"Take good care of yourself and think about your Mother, tataleh!"
"And come right back home on the bus, schein kindaleh."
"Your Mommy loves you a lot, my ketsaleh!"
At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her son and hugs him.
"So what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of school?"
The boy answers, "I learned my name is David."

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Q: Hey, what's the jew doing in the ashtray?
A: Family research.

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A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I’d like some Polish sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, “"Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well, no."
With deep self-righteous ndignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I’m Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."

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Who's the most famous Jewish cook in history? Hitler

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Q: What do you call a Jew with a mental disability?
A: Auschwitztic.

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An elderly rabbi was once on an airplane to Israel sitting next to a self-professed atheist. They were amicably chatting the whole trip.
Every now and then, the rabbi's grandchild, sitting in another row, would come over to him, bringing him a drink, or asking if he could get anything to make him more comfortable.
After this happened several times, the atheist sighed, "I wish my grandchildren would treat me with such respect. They hardly even say hello to me. What's your secret?"
The rabbi replied: "Think about it. To my grandchildren, I am two generations closer to Adam and Eve, the two individuals made by the hand of G‑d. So they look up to me. But according to the philosophy which you teach your grandchildren, you are two generations closer to being an ape. So why should they look up to you?"

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A young fellow went to a Jewish Doctor and told the doctor he was worried because he could not get an еrестiоn.
Whereupon the doctor told him to eat Jewish Rye Bread.
So on his way home, the young man stopped a Jewish Bakery and asked for 25 Loaves of Rye Bread.
The Baker said "25 Loaves? It will get hard before you get rid of it."
Whereupon the patient in excitement said "Give me 50 loaves."

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Q: Why did Нiтlеr кill himself?
A: He saw his gas bill.

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Why are circumsized pe-nises so popular among Jewish girls?
They love anything that's 15% off

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Guy gets pulled over in his car by a pair of dudes in balaclavas, pointing guns in his face.
Terrorist (menacing voice): "Are you a Catholic or a Protestant?"
Driver, panicking, doesn't know which answer will save his life, has a bright idea.
Driver: "Neither, actually. In fact I'm Jewish."
Terrorist shouts to other terrorist: "Fuскing hеll Abdul, we've got one at last!"

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What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a jewish wife?
A Catholic wife has real оrgаsмs and fake jewelry.

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