Kids jokes, Toddler Jokes, Children jokes

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Q: Why is the math book always upset?
A: Because it has a lot of problems.

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You Know You're Out Of College When...
1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than вееr in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00a.m. is not early.
9. You have to file for your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You're not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that "Bachelor" is a nicer term for a jаскаss.
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that the police don't raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sеx in front of you.
24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of вееr, bourbon, and ruм.

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What did the Hispanic fireman...
Q: What did the Hispanic fireman name his son?
A: Jose.

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Q: Why was the Egyptian boy confused?
A: His daddy was really a mummy.

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What is green and yellow and lies in a pile of cookie crumbs?
A beat-up girl scout.

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In the backwoods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night. The doctor was called in to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
"Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down. I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another baby.
"Now don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man. It seems there's yet another!" cried the doctor.
The new father scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor. "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

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Q: What's bright-eyed and bushy-tailed?
A: A squirrel on сrаск.

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Q: What did the fish say when he swam into a cement wall?
A: "Dam."

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Q: What did the blind, deaf, mute quadraplegic boy get for Christmas?
A: Cancer.

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You wanna hear a dirтy joke? A boy fell in a mud puddle.
You wanna hear a clean joke? He took a bath.

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Where would you learn how to make ice cream?
At Sundae school.

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What did the lima bean say before it went into the рот?
Sufferin' succotash!

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A little boy, wearing a big red fire hat, was riding a toy fire truck down the street.
The truck was being pulled by a beautiful Labrador Retriever. Unfortunately, the rope was tied around the dog's privates, and as a consequence, the truck was going very slowly. A man walking down the street noticed how slowly the boy was being pulled and gently said to him, ''You know, son, that truck would go a lot faster if the rope was tied around your dog's neck.''
The boy nodded in agreement and said, ''But then there wouldn't be a siren.''

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A boy comes running into the kitchen and says, "Mommy, mommy! Grandpa hanged himself in the living room!"
His mother runs into the living room, and sees no one there. Angrily, she says, "Listen. You should never lie like that to me again, do you understand!?!"
"I'm sorry," says the boy. "I was just kidding. He hanged himself in the basement."

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"Mommy, the kids all say we're aliens from outer space. That's not true, is it?"
"Vegl dibrogmrn di shtrtl mixtor!"

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Q: What did one chair say to another chair?
A: "Here comes another a**hole."

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One fine day in the middle of class at school, a girl raised her asking to be excused:
“Teacher, can I answer the call of nature?”
Knowing what the kid wanted, the teacher said okay. Immediately, the girl ran to the toilet. But, within a minute, she was back. Another girl was shocked by how she could actually take care of business so quickly, and asked how she managed to do it so fact.
The girl responded, “It was a prank call.”

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Did I mention that I'm a new father?
Yeah, my 13-year-old son just moved back in.

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