Kids jokes, Toddler Jokes, Children jokes

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A very tall ninth grader was acting up in class. His teacher told him, "Act your age, not your shoe size."
The boy looked down at his size 14 shoes and said, "But they're the same."

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Two boys are playing by a stream when they spy a woman bathing nudе around the bend. One of the boys takes off running in the opposite direction. The other boy chases after him and asks why he took off.
"Well," the boy says, "my mom told me that if I ever spied on a nакеd lady, I'd turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard!"

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A 14-year-old girl walks into a hairdresser's shop with a Тwinкiе in her hand.
She sits on the seat and the barber puts the plastic cover on her. As he is cutting her hair, she takes out her Тwinкiе and starts to eat it, not realizing that her cut hair is falling on her Тwinкiе. The hairdresser, being polite, looks down at her, smiles playfully, and says,
''Young lady, did you know that you're getting hair on your Тwinкiе?''
She smiles back, and says,
''Yes, I know...I'm growing воовs too!''

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A guy comes home early one day from work.
And he hears weird sounds coming from his bedroom. When he gets to his room, he finds his wife nакеd on the bed sweating bullets. ''What the hеll is going on?'' he says. ''I'm having a heart attack!!'' So he runs down stairs, and picks up the phone to dial 911. But as he is doing this, his four-year-old son, comes running up to him and says, ''Dad, Uncle Tommy is up stairs, hiding in your closet, and he's nакеd'' So he slams the phone down, and runs upstairs, to find his own brother, in the closet. The man, then says. ''What the hеll are you doin? My wife is having a heart attack, and your here running around nакеd, scaring the kids? You shoud be ashamed of yourself!"

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In a small town in California there lived two boys, Shut-up and Trouble.
These boys were friends, but every once-in-awhile they would get into a fight. One time after they had both just gotten ice-cream, Trouble's ice-cream fell. Trouble then stole Shut-up's ice-cream and ran away. Shut-up ran after Trouble but eventually lost him, sat on a curb, and started to cry.
A police officer pulled up and asked, What's your name?
Shut-up.
The officer got angry and asked the same question again and got the same reply. Finally, he asked the same question and got the same reply and then said, Boy, are you looking for Trouble?
And Shut-up said, Yeah, that fool stole my ice-cream!

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A little kid goes to his first movie alone. He buys one ticket and goes in.
A minute later, he comes back out to buy another ticket. The man at the counter asks, "Why do you want another one?"
The kid replies, "Because that man over there ripped the first one in half."

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1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fаn, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.
5. When using the ceiling fаn as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fаn can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fаn.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a six-year-old.
11. "Play-Doh" and "microwave" should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
21. Cats spit up twice their body weight when dizzy.

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A little boy was in a relative's wedding.
As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop and turn to the crowd. Then he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, roar, step, step, roar, all the way down the aisle. The crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and he was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the ring bear."

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A little girl at a wedding asked, "Mommy, why do brides always wear white?"
"Because they're happy," the mom replied. Halfway through the wedding, the girl whispered, "Mommy, if brides wear white because they're happy, then why do grooms wear black?"

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A blonde calls a pharmacy to ask if she needs an infant scale to weigh a baby.
The clerk explains that many mothers figure out an infant's weight by weighing themselves while holding the baby on an adult scale and then subtracting their own weight. "Oh, that won't work," replies the blonde. "I'm not the mother - I'm the aunt."

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Teacher to student: Arnold what is the most popular answer to the teacher's questions?
Arnold: I don't know ma'am.
Teacher: ''Correct!'''

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A little girl came home from school and told her mother that she just found out where babies come from. Her mother said, "Oh really? What were you told?"
The little girl said, "First, Daddy's реnis gets hard, and then, he puts it in Mommy's mouth... ."
Her mother interrupted her and said, "Oh no, honey, that's where jewelry comes from."

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We just had an old brick church.
It's like a barbeque pit, just hot - HOT. Everybody in there's fanning. Old ladies got them old funeral parlor fans, they just fanning. I'm sweating. And the preacher, 'If you don't straighten out, you're going to hеll!' I'm like, 'Well, what is this? Practice?'

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One day a teacher told her students to draw a train on a railway track for homework.
The next day when the teacher started checking everybody's book, she came up to Little Johnny. "Show me the homework," she demanded. Little Johnny showed the teacher his notebook with only a picture of railroad tracks. The teacher asked, "Where is the train?" Little Johnny then replied, "You came late so the train went away."

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A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused.
She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.
They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so dамn funny?"
"I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.' Then you sat under an ad that read 'Sloan's Liniments Remove Swelling.' Then you moved under a deodorant advertisement which read 'William's Stick Did the Trick.' And I just couldn't hold it in any longer when you moved a fourth time and sat under a tire advertisement which read 'Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident.'"

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When Sally got her first period, she was confused and frightened, so she decided to share her trouble with her friend Joey.
Sally told Joey what was happeing, but he didn't quite understand, so she showed him her problem.
Joey said, "I'm no doctor, but it looks like someone ripped your ваlls off!"

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Never trust a dog to watch your food.
- Patrick, age 10 When your dad is mad and asks you, Do I look sтuрid? don't answer him.
-Michael, 14 Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
- Michael, 14 Stay away from prunes.
-Rаndy, 9 Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
-Traci, 14 Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic tac.
- Andrew, 9 Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
- Kyoyo, 9 You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
- Armir, 9 If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
- Naomi, 15 Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
-Lauren, 9 Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
- Joel, 10 Never try to baptize a cat.
-Eileen, 8 '

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I'm a vegetarian.
We worshipped animals when we were growing up 'cause my mother was a соw. I'm kidding - my father loves that joke.

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