Kids jokes, Toddler Jokes, Children jokes

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A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?"
"I just saw one of your garters!"
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the
assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"
"I just saw both of your garters!"
Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.
"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"

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Q: How did the telephone operator propose to his girlfriend?
A: He gave her a ring.

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A teacher was having a tasting day where she would put candy in the kids' mouth and they would guess what it was. She went to the first little boy and put a Hershey's Kiss in his mouth.
"Can you guess what it is?"
"I don't know," said the boy.
"I'll give you a hint. It's something your daddy asks your mommy for every morning."
The girl next to the boy says "Don't eat it. It's a piece of аss."

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Why'd the boy eat his homework?
His teacher told him it was a piece of cake!

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One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered.
"May I speak to your parents?"
"They're busy."
"Oh. Is anybody else there?"
"The police."
"Can I speak to them?"
"They're busy."
"Oh. Is anybody else there?"
"The firemen."
"Can I speak to them?"
"They're busy."
"So let me get this straight - your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but they're all busy? What are they doing?"
"Looking for me."

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No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. You can't trust dogs to watch your food. Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time. School lunches stick to the wall. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.

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A little boy brags to a little girl, "I have a big fire engine."
The girl responds, "So what? I have a fire engine, too."He says, "I have a toy tank."
She replies, "So what? I have a tank, too."
The young boy drops his pants and says, "I have a реnis!"
The little girl looks down her pants and runs home crying.The next day, the little girl sees the little boy, and he tells her, "You still don't have a реnis, and I do!" She replies, "My mom told me not to worry about it. She said that as long as I have what I have, I can get as many of those as I want."

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Three girls asked their mother if they could invite their boyfriends over for dinner.
Their mother told them to go upstairs to get ready and to call them. An hour later, when the girls were not downstairs yet, and the boyfriends had still not shown up, the mother went to check on the three girls. She went to the first girl's door and she was laughing. She didn't say anything and she went to the second girl's door. She was crying. She didn't say a word and she went to the third girl's door. The third girl wasn't saying anything. So the mother went back to the first girl's door.
"Why are you laughing?"
"It's so small it tickles!" She went to the second girl's door and asked her why she was crying.
"It's so big, I can't get it out!" She went to the third girl's door and asked her why she wasn't saying anything.
"Well," the third girl replied, "you've always told me not to talk with my mouth full!"

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Q: Why did the kid throw the clock out the window?
A: He wanted to see time fly.

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Q: What does a slice of toast wear to bed?
A: Jammies.

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A mother takes her four-year-old to the hospital to have his tonsils removed. She asks the the doctor if he could also perform a circumcision while the boy's under. The doctor agrees.
When the boy returns to kindergarten, a classmate tells him that he is also going to get his tonsils removed.
The four-year-old tells his friend, "They're not where you think they are."

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A very tall ninth grader was acting up in class. His teacher told him, "Act your age, not your shoe size."
The boy looked down at his size 14 shoes and said, "But they're the same."

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A 14-year-old girl walks into a hairdresser's shop with a Тwinкiе in her hand.
She sits on the seat and the barber puts the plastic cover on her. As he is cutting her hair, she takes out her Тwinкiе and starts to eat it, not realizing that her cut hair is falling on her Тwinкiе. The hairdresser, being polite, looks down at her, smiles playfully, and says,
''Young lady, did you know that you're getting hair on your Тwinкiе?''
She smiles back, and says,
''Yes, I know...I'm growing воовs too!''

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A man and his son come upon two dogs huмрing. The son asks, "Dad, what are those dogs doing?"
His father replies, "Well, the dog on top must have hurt his two front paws, and that dog on the bottom is helping him home."
The son says, "It figures - every time you try to help someone out, you always get sсrеwеd."

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A guy comes home early one day from work.
And he hears weird sounds coming from his bedroom. When he gets to his room, he finds his wife nакеd on the bed sweating bullets. ''What the hеll is going on?'' he says. ''I'm having a heart attack!!'' So he runs down stairs, and picks up the phone to dial 911. But as he is doing this, his four-year-old son, comes running up to him and says, ''Dad, Uncle Tommy is up stairs, hiding in your closet, and he's nакеd'' So he slams the phone down, and runs upstairs, to find his own brother, in the closet. The man, then says. ''What the hеll are you doin? My wife is having a heart attack, and your here running around nакеd, scaring the kids? You shoud be ashamed of yourself!"

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In a small town in California there lived two boys, Shut-up and Trouble.
These boys were friends, but every once-in-awhile they would get into a fight. One time after they had both just gotten ice-cream, Trouble's ice-cream fell. Trouble then stole Shut-up's ice-cream and ran away. Shut-up ran after Trouble but eventually lost him, sat on a curb, and started to cry.
A police officer pulled up and asked, What's your name?
Shut-up.
The officer got angry and asked the same question again and got the same reply. Finally, he asked the same question and got the same reply and then said, Boy, are you looking for Trouble?
And Shut-up said, Yeah, that fool stole my ice-cream!

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A little kid goes to his first movie alone. He buys one ticket and goes in.
A minute later, he comes back out to buy another ticket. The man at the counter asks, "Why do you want another one?"
The kid replies, "Because that man over there ripped the first one in half."

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1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fаn, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.
5. When using the ceiling fаn as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fаn can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fаn.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a six-year-old.
11. "Play-Doh" and "microwave" should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
21. Cats spit up twice their body weight when dizzy.

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