Kids jokes, Toddler Jokes, Children jokes

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A little girl got on her grandpa's lap and said, "Did God make me?"
"Yes," the grandpa replied.
"Did God make you too?"
"Yes," the grandpa said.
"Well," the little girl said, looking at his wrinkles and thinning hair. "He sure is doing a better job nowadays!"

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Knock, knock Who's there?
You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil? You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil who? Nevermind, it's pointless.

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A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When he was finally done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground.
"I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted.
"So what," said a little girl. "I'm four."

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What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.

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There were three boys in a classroom: one named Zip, one named Diск, and one named Pea. Their teacher leaves the room for a moment, so Zip gets on top of the cupboard, Diск goes inside the cupboard, and Рее jumps around outside.
The teacher returns and yells, "Zip down, Diск out, and Pea in the corner!"

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Why did the zombie baby cross the road?
Why did the zombie baby cross the road?
To wreak an unholy vengeance upon the driver of the car who's standing there, scratching his head, trying to figure out how a zombie baby's head can be beneath his car tires but the rest of the body is nowhere to be seen- unless he were to turn around and notice the zombie baby body bearing down on him, coming ever closer, ready with grasping, pudgy zombie baby fingers to tear and rend at the flesh of this self-same driver who ran his head over, on the dark and rain-swept road that snakes down from the castle of the madman who's creating an army of zombie babies to do his dark, libidinal bidding.

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A zookeeper approaches three boys standing near the lions' cage and asks them their names and what they're up to.
The first boy says, "My name's Tommy and I was trying to feed peanuts to the lions."
The second boy says, "My name's Billy and I was trying to feed peanuts to the lions."
The third boy says, "My name is Peanuts."

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Q: What's yellow and goes up and down?
A: A banana in an elevator.

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Why does a chicken lay eggs? Because if she dropped them, they'd break

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Q: Why did the моrоn throw the butter out the window?
A: He wanted to see a butterfly.

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Q: Why did the elephant bring toilet paper to a party?
A: He was a party pooper.

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Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldozer.

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The best way to teach kids about taxes is to eating 30% of their ice cream

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A chinese kid was born before the due date. Parents named him "Sudden Lee"

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Every time I say "NO", my kids hear: "Ask again, she didn't understand the question".

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Heaviest objects in the Universe: 1. Sun 2. Neutron star 3. Black hole 4. Toy you just asked your kid to pick up

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Children:
You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

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An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

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