Kids jokes, Toddler Jokes, Children jokes

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When I was a kid my dad used to beat me with his camera, I still have flash-backs.

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A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m just wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk!”

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I wasn't a bad kid, but I wasn't a good student, you know what I mean? My mind was just always elsewhere. Even at my high school graduation, I didn't even hear 'em calling my name 'cause I was too busy playing with the tassel on my hat.

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My mom would never get us exactly what we wanted. She would always get us something like it. Like at Christmas, we never had a real Christmas tree. We always had one of the ones you put together yourself. Every year, we lose a couple branches. By the time I was 10, the tree had like three branches left.

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Preparing my son for his first day of kindergarten, we were reviewing numbers and counting. Suddenly he asked,
"What is the biggest number in the world?"
As briefly as possible, I tried to explain the concept of infinity. I thought I had done pretty well, but then he said,
"Dad, what number comes just before infinity?"

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There was a kid who wouldn't learn the letters of the alphabet, so his teacher said 'go home, and learn the letters!' He went home and asked his sister
"What's the first letter?"
She said "Shut up!"
Then he asked "what's the second letter?"
She was singing along with the radio, so she said "Yeah, yeah, yeah!"
Then he went to see his dad, who was watching football, and said "What's the third letter?"
His dad said "Go! Go! Go!"
"What's the fourth letter?"
"64! 64! 64!" Then he went to see his brother, who was watching TV, and said "What's the sixth letter?"
His brother ignored him while watching TV and said "na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na BATMAN!"
The next day the teacher said. "Okay, what's the first letter?"
"Shut up!"
"Are you trying to get in trouble?"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah!"
"Do you want to go to the principal's office?"
"Go! Go! Go!"
"How many spankings do you want?
"64! 64! 64!"
"Who do you think you are?"
"Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na BATMAN!"

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I wouldn't go to school. I thought all the kids at school were going to beat me up, which is absurd. They couldn't all beat me up -- someone had to hold me down.

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When I was a little kid, we were so poor that my mother cut a hole in my pants pocket so I would have something to play with.
… If it wasn’t for pickpockets, I would have had no sεx life at all.

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Lance is tooling down a lonely stretch of a backwoods Alabama highway, texting to his significant other, when WHAM! he hits something or someone.
He gets out of his car, and lying there, struggling and moaning is a black kid, probably in his late teens. “Dаrn niggеrs,” Lance mutters, “they jaywalk anywhere and everywhere.” He calls 911, but by the time an ambulance gets there, the black mofu is food for the worms.
A big-bellied Alabama sheriff rolls up to the scene and begins to write up a report. “You know this will affect your driving privileges,” the sheriff says. “Most likely about eight points.”
Lance is sweating. “Eight points and vehicular homicide. Will I still be able to drive here in Alabama, sir?”
The sheriff looks up from his writing out the report. “Oh this won’t affect your ability to drive, son. See, here in Alabama we have a bounty of these niggеrs. It’s open season all year. You get the eight points ADDED as a BONUS to your driving record, not the other way around.”
“Yup, I would say you landed yourself an eight point buck!”

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A little girl was eating a doughnut on her way to church. Since she could not eat inside, she left it outside and she prayed, "God, will you please watch my doughnut and not go anywhere else? Thank you!"
Then she went inside. When the priest said,
"God is here, God is there, and God is everywhere!"
The little girl said, ”You are wrong! God is outside watching my doughnut!"

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What's the difference between kids and grandkids?
If I play Ghost Riders with my guitar but sing the lyrics from the Gilligan's Island theme song, my grand kids would love it!
My kids, however, would want to take away my driver's licence!

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I wish we all had to describe ourselves in percentages of singleness because I think it would be so much more honest. 'Cause then a guy could be like, 'I'm 75% single because 10% of me is sleeping with my ex and 15%, frankly, that's for my mom.'

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At the supermarket, a woman shopped with her four boys and a baby. Her patience was wearing thin as the boys called out, "Mommy! Mommy!" while she tried to shop.
Finally, she blurted out, "I don’t want to hear the word mommy for at least ten minutes!"
The boys fell silent for a few seconds. Then one tugged on his mother’s dress and said softly, "Excuse me, miss."

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What happened to good names? You tell me, in the last five years, anybody who's been introduced to a baby named Larry. Bring me baby Larry. Show me a baby Glen. Who are we gonna borrow tools from in the future?

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A pastor walked outside of the church because he heard the children being loud. He sees the kids all grouped up. "What are you doing?" The children make the circle wider to show a puppy they had found. "Its a beautiful dog, who will take it home?" The pastor asks. The children look at each other until one of them speaks up. "I know! Whoever tells the biggest lie can take it home! Would you like to play pastor?" The pastor shrugs his shoulders and says,
"I don't know, it will be hard because I've never told a lie." The child picks the dog up and hands it to the pastor, "Here you go. You win."

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I believe everything in life I learned from my parents. And by that, I mean that I'm divorced.

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Boy and girl: asked the teacher very important question?
"Can kids of our age have kids?"
Teacher replied " NO Never!!"
Boy said to girl :
"See i told you not to worry!!!!

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A little boy went down the street with his mom. He saw a dollar bill on the ground and he asked if he could pick it up. The mom said,
"Don't pick things up from the ground."
Then the boy saw two dollar bills on the ground. He asked his mom, "Can i pick the two dollars up?"
The mom said again, "Don't pick things up from the ground." Then the mom slipped on a banana peel and fell down. The mom asked,
"Can you help me up?"
The boy said,
"I was told not to pick things up from the ground."

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