Kids jokes, Toddler Jokes, Children jokes

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A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was every insistent. His response was, "Yes, Sir!" Since he was talking to his mother (and she is a woman), it was not expected of him to call her "Sir".
"You would say, 'yes sir,' to a man, I am a lady, and you would say 'Yes Ma'am,' to a lady," Mom said. To quiz him on is lesson; she then asked him, "What would you say to Daddy?"
"Yes Sir!" was the reply
"Then what would you say to Mama?"
"Yes, Ma'am!" he proudly answered.
"Good boy! Now what would you say to Grandma?"
He lit up and said,
"Can I have a cookie?"

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A little johnnys parents decided that the only way to have a quickie while their son johnny was in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and let him give a running report on what was going on in the neighborhood. So little johnny stood on the balcony and reported on everything that was happening. “A police car has just called at the Hamilton’s’ house, the Chandlers are taking delivery of a new wardrobe, and the Mitchell’s are having sеx.” Hearing this, little johnnys parents shot bolt upright. “How do you know the Mitchells are having sеx?”
“Because their kid is standing on the balcony too.”

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A girl drew a picture of a car on a long road with a driver and 2 people in back seat and there were tree's in the background.
They ask her what story did that represent.
She said that is when God drove Adam and Eve from the garden of Eden.

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There once was a little boy and a teacher, and the teacher said "You better learn your ABC's tonight little kid." So the little kid went home and asked his mom,"Mom, what's the first letter of the alphabet?" And she said,
"Quiet I'm on the phone!" So he went to his sisters room and asked,"Hey sis, what's the second letter of the alphabet?" She said,"Oh yeah!" Wanting to learn more, he went to the his brothers room and asked," Yo bro, what's the third letter of the alphabet?" He said ... BATMAN!
Then he went outside and asked the garbageman,"What's the fourth letter of the alphabet?" So the garbageman said," In the GARBAGE, in the GARBAGE.
The next day he went back to school and the teacher asked the little kid," Did you learn your ABC's yesterday?" And the little kid said,"Quiet I'm on the phone!" So the teacher asked,"Do you want to go to the principal's office young man?!"He said,"Oh yeah!" Off he went to the principal's office and the principal said,
"What's your name sir?" The little boy said, ... BATMAN! Then the principal asked," where do you live?" So the little boy said," In the GARBAGE, in the GARBAGE!"

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Johnny comes back from school crying and says,
"Mommy, all the kids in the school say I have a big head."
His mother replies,
"No, you don't, Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."

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In Sunday school little Kathy was drawing a Nativity picture…. There were Mary and Joseph, shepherds and wise men.
“What’s that in the corner Kathy?” asked the teacher.
“That’s their TV, of course,” replied Kathy.

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Kid: you no I want for Christmas. Santa:what? Kid: a boner

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A boy and his mum go christmas shopping and they see two women having a fight, and their calling each other b*tches and ваsтаrds and diскs and vaginas. when they get to the car the boy asks his mum what a b*tch and ваsтаrd is, so she replies well a b*tch is a girl and a ваsтаrds a boy. The boy then asks whats a diск and a vаginа and she says a diск is a hat and a vaginas a coat. so they go home and the kid goes up stairs to the toilet and his dads shaving in the shower and he cuts himself and says shiт! and the boy goes what's shiт? then his dad says oh um, just a new type of shaving cream i'm using. then then kid goes downstairs where his mum accidenatally cuts herself cutting the turkey and she says f***k! so the boy asks what fuск is and his mum goes just a new way of cutting the turkey. then the door веll rings and the boys yells i'll get it and opens the door and his grandparents have aarrived for lunch and the kid goes welcome b*tches and barstards! you can put your diскs and vaginas over there! dads putting shiт on his face and mums f***king the turkey!

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A husband had been away for a few months and had a romantic evening planned for he and his wife. He sent the two older kids to the movies but could not persuade the youngest boy to go along.
Finally he makes a deal with the boy. If the boy will go sit on the curb in front of their house, the father will give the boy 5 bucks for every man he sees go by in a red hat.
A while later the little boy comes running into the house and bangs on the bedroom door and shouts:
"Dad, if you think you're getting sсrеwеd in there, you'd better come outside, 'cause there's a Shriner's convention going past."

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The baby came out, and they said, 'What is it, Dad?' And I had no idea. I've seen women before; it looked nothing like this. They're swollen in certain places. I said, 'I don't know what it is. It's ours. We'll love it. We'll keep it. Don't put it back.'

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I heard the doctor ask the kid how is your рussy,is it num or hоrny or feels like it needs some spice

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Doctor, doctor! I feel like a goat.”
“How long have you been like this?”
“Since I was a kid.”

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FАТ BULLY: Hey shorty i can see your feet in your drivers licence photo. SHORT KID: Hey fат аss you chased a bus full of white kids and yelled comeback here тwinкiе.

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A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.
Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.
Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."

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The neighborhood I grew up in had a sign that said, 'Go Slow -- Deaf Child'... Nowadays, I drive by that sign and all I can think is, 'When is this deaf kid gonna get his act together and move out of his parents' house?'

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During weekly visits to my allergist, I’ve noticed a lot of inattentive parents with ill-behaved children in the waiting room. So I was impressed one day to see a mother with her little boy, helping him sound out the words on a sign.
Finally he mastered it and his mother cheered, "That’s great! Now sit there. I’ll be back in 15 minutes."
What did the sign say?
"Children must not be left unattended."

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There was a grandpa and a kid on a porch and the grandpa had a cigar and the boy said CAN I HAVE ONE! And the grandpa then said can your реnis touch your аss and the boy said no so then the grandpa said then you can't have one. Later the boy had some cookies and the grandpa said can I have one? And the boy said can your реnis touch your аss and the grandpa said НЕLL YEAH!! So the boy said THEN GO FUСК YOURSELF THESE ARE MY COOKIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won’t make you carry them.

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