Kids jokes, Toddler Jokes, Children jokes

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A mother and her young son returned home from the grocery store. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says you can't eat them is the seal is broken. I'm looking for the seal."

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The man in the cafe asked the waiter, "What is this mouse doing in my alphabet soup?"
The waiter looked for a minute and said,
"Learning to read sir."

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A little boy was walking down the street with a steak on his head, a man walked over to him and asked: Little boy why have you got a steak on your head? The little boy replied I'm not a little boy I’m a fork!

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Little Jimmy's mother was serving prunes for dessert, but little Jimmy didn't like prunes one little bit! He grumbled and complained and absolutely refused to eat them. Mother was very cross and told Jimmy that God would be very angry if he didn't eat his prunes. Still he wouldn't eat them, so in desperation, mother sent him to his room. Later in the evening a fierce thunderstorm blew up. There was much thunder and lightning. Feeling somewhat sorry for little Jimmy and thinking that he might be afraid of the storm, mother went up to his room. When she opened the door, Jimmy was kneeling looking out the window. Mother heard him say, "Gee whiz, God, all this just for two measly prunes?"

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So a kid goes up to his father and says..
"Dad I had sеx today!" Then the Dad says
"Good son good come sit down with me".
Then the kid says.. "I cant, my аss hurts".

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When I was a kid, my dad said, “Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted,”
“Are you kidding? Really?” I shouted, my eyes welling up with tears.
“Yup, get ready,” he said. “They’ll be picking you up in about a half an hour.”

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One day, two little friends were walking home from school and kid #1 said,” I have noticed, in the morning while looking out my window that your father goes to work earlier than my dad, yet they work together... Why is that?" Then kid #2 not having a clear answer, replies "well, he goes early to swing on the gate!"

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I work a lot but still want to help around the house and with the kids. My wife asked me to do the dishes, put the kids to bed and read a bedtime story.
The next day she had no assignments for me so I asked why. She informed me that I just don’t have the skill set and that she had to redo the dishes.
I said how about the bedtime story thing? She said, well, ok, but this time you have to read it out loud.

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I was visiting a friend who could not find her cordless phone. After several minutes of searching, her young daughter spoke up.
“You know what they should invent? A phone that stays connected to its base so it never gets lost.”

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The young boy protested vigorously when his mother asked him to take his little sister along fishing. “The last time she came,” he objected, “I didn’t catch a single fish.” “I’ll talk to her,” his mother said, “and I promise this time she won’t make any noise.”
“It wasn’t the noise, Mom,” the boy replied. “She ate all my bait.”

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My mother always told me, 'Boy, if somebody asks you a sтuрid question, you give them a sтuрid answer.' The cops walked up to my car, 'Would you like to step out of the car?' I said, 'Неll no, it's hot! I got the air conditioner on. How about you hop your аss in here with me?'

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I never really had pets when I was a kid. There was one time I asked my mom for a puppy. She was like, 'Nah, puppies cost too much. I'm gonna get you a dog from the shelter. They cheaper.' I don't know if you know about those dogs from the shelter, but they be a little bit off. We ended up getting, like, a crackhead dog.

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Kid: I'm way better than you!
Me: At being a f*cking cunt

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How do you stop a black kid from jumping on the bed? …
…
Put velcro on the ceiling!

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Say girl, are you a gorilla exhibit? Cause I wanna drop a kid in you.

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And now I'm getting older, so my mom wants grandchildren. I said, 'Mom, go for it.'

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(Grandpa) Kids these days don't know history or politics.
(Grandson) I do grandpa, I know history and politics.
(Grandpa) OK then, who is Mitt Romney?
(Grandson) He was a tank commander in WWII, right?

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Five-year old Jeffery was sitting next to an elderly lady in church. When it came time to put money in the collection plate, the lady didn't have any money so she passed the plate on to the next person, who was sitting to Jeffery's right.
He watched the proceedings and finally spoke to the elderly lady, "We didn't want any did we?"
She had to contain her laughter.

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