Kids jokes, Toddler Jokes, Children jokes

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There was a grandpa and a kid on a porch and the grandpa had a cigar and the boy said CAN I HAVE ONE! And the grandpa then said can your реnis touch your аss and the boy said no so then the grandpa said then you can't have one. Later the boy had some cookies and the grandpa said can I have one? And the boy said can your реnis touch your аss and the grandpa said НЕLL YEAH!! So the boy said THEN GO FUСК YOURSELF THESE ARE MY COOKIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won’t make you carry them.

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A mother and her young son returned home from the grocery store. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says you can't eat them is the seal is broken. I'm looking for the seal."

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A little boy was walking down the street with a steak on his head, a man walked over to him and asked: Little boy why have you got a steak on your head? The little boy replied I'm not a little boy I’m a fork!

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Little Johnny’s teacher was teaching the kids about starvation.
Being a good teacher she decided to call on selected students to draw a picture of starvation on the board.
Sue went first, she drew a round circle with three little lines in the middle of the circle.
The teacher said, “that’s very good Sue. What is it?”
Sue said, “that’s a plate with only three carrot sticks to eat, I think that …represents starvation.”
Next went Dan, he drew a round circle with 3 dots in the middle. The teacher said, “that’s good Dan. What is it?”
Dan said, “that’s a plate with only 3 peas to eat. I think that represents starvation.”
Johnny went next. He drew a picture of a round circle with little squiggely lines all over in the circle.
The teacher said, “that’s good Johnny. What is it?”
Johnny said, “that’s an a-hole with cob webs…….. If that isn’t starvation, I don’t know what is.

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Little Jimmy's mother was serving prunes for dessert, but little Jimmy didn't like prunes one little bit! He grumbled and complained and absolutely refused to eat them. Mother was very cross and told Jimmy that God would be very angry if he didn't eat his prunes. Still he wouldn't eat them, so in desperation, mother sent him to his room. Later in the evening a fierce thunderstorm blew up. There was much thunder and lightning. Feeling somewhat sorry for little Jimmy and thinking that he might be afraid of the storm, mother went up to his room. When she opened the door, Jimmy was kneeling looking out the window. Mother heard him say, "Gee whiz, God, all this just for two measly prunes?"

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So a kid goes up to his father and says..
"Dad I had sеx today!" Then the Dad says
"Good son good come sit down with me".
Then the kid says.. "I cant, my аss hurts".

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When I was a kid, my dad said, “Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted,”
“Are you kidding? Really?” I shouted, my eyes welling up with tears.
“Yup, get ready,” he said. “They’ll be picking you up in about a half an hour.”

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One day, two little friends were walking home from school and kid #1 said,” I have noticed, in the morning while looking out my window that your father goes to work earlier than my dad, yet they work together... Why is that?" Then kid #2 not having a clear answer, replies "well, he goes early to swing on the gate!"

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I work a lot but still want to help around the house and with the kids. My wife asked me to do the dishes, put the kids to bed and read a bedtime story.
The next day she had no assignments for me so I asked why. She informed me that I just don’t have the skill set and that she had to redo the dishes.
I said how about the bedtime story thing? She said, well, ok, but this time you have to read it out loud.

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I was visiting a friend who could not find her cordless phone. After several minutes of searching, her young daughter spoke up.
“You know what they should invent? A phone that stays connected to its base so it never gets lost.”

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The young boy protested vigorously when his mother asked him to take his little sister along fishing. “The last time she came,” he objected, “I didn’t catch a single fish.” “I’ll talk to her,” his mother said, “and I promise this time she won’t make any noise.”
“It wasn’t the noise, Mom,” the boy replied. “She ate all my bait.”

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I never really had pets when I was a kid. There was one time I asked my mom for a puppy. She was like, 'Nah, puppies cost too much. I'm gonna get you a dog from the shelter. They cheaper.' I don't know if you know about those dogs from the shelter, but they be a little bit off. We ended up getting, like, a crackhead dog.

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I'm from Chicago, but I pay child support in Seattle. I'm just kidding -- I don't pay child support.

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Kid: I'm way better than you!
Me: At being a f*cking cunt

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How do you stop a black kid from jumping on the bed? …
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Put velcro on the ceiling!

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Say girl, are you a gorilla exhibit? Cause I wanna drop a kid in you.

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And now I'm getting older, so my mom wants grandchildren. I said, 'Mom, go for it.'

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