Kids jokes, Toddler Jokes, Children jokes

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(Grandpa) Kids these days don't know history or politics.
(Grandson) I do grandpa, I know history and politics.
(Grandpa) OK then, who is Mitt Romney?
(Grandson) He was a tank commander in WWII, right?

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Five-year old Jeffery was sitting next to an elderly lady in church. When it came time to put money in the collection plate, the lady didn't have any money so she passed the plate on to the next person, who was sitting to Jeffery's right.
He watched the proceedings and finally spoke to the elderly lady, "We didn't want any did we?"
She had to contain her laughter.

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I wasn’t concentrating while driving this morning and crashed into a ‘Stop’ sign. I got out of the car to check the damage.
The sign was slightly веnт and there was a small scratch on my bumper. Both could be repaired cheaply, so that wasn’t too bad.
It wasn’t all good news, though. I could tell from the kids’ screams that the lollipop man was pretty fuскеd up.

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A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a вееr. The preacher who lived across the street saw the вееr and came over to harass the kid.
“Aren’t you a little young to be drinking, son?” he asked.
“That’s nothing,” the kid said after taking a swig of вееr. “I got laid when I was three.”
“What? How did that happen?”
“I don’t remember. I was drunк.”

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Kid: I want a dragon for christmas.
Santa: Be realistic.
Kid: Ok, I want a loyal girlfriend.
Santa: What color dragon do you want?

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I saw a kid getting beaten up by 4 gang members, so I helped out. … …
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He didn’t stand a chance against the 5 of us.

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Kids are chasing me down. 'Mr. Vallee, Mr. Vallee, what can I do for extra credit?'
'Jimmy, you got 98% in my class, OK? Unless you got Salma Hayek or a bottle of Captain Morgan in your backpack, I can't do anything for you.'

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Kids these days have got it so easy... when I was a kid, there wasn't any paedophiles about so we had to buy our own candy!

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Ever do that when you were a kid -- sleep in your bathing suit? I wouldn't even take it off to go to the bathroom. I just moved it on over.

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So there was a plane and in that plane was 4 people a Pilot,Lawyer,Priest, and a kid. The plane is going down and fast but there was only 3 parachutes so the pilot says "I have a family and a daughter that is expecting" he grabs a parachute and jumps off the plane. The lawyer says "well I'm the smartest man on earth so I have to live" he grabs a parachute and jumps off. So now there is only 1 parachute left the Priest notices this and tells the kid " Son go ahead take the last one I have lived my life" The boy looks around the plane and says "wait we can both live" the priest says " well how can that be?", the boy says " because the smartest man in the world just jumped off with my backpack" ????

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I went to Iraq, and the ironic thing is, everybody in my family that's pro-war was against me going. 'Tom, you have a nine-month-old son -- why the hеll would you go to Iraq?' Like, I'm just looking for one good night's sleep this year.

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I had finished my Christmas shopping early and had wrapped all the presents. Having two curious children, I had to find a suitable hiding place. I chose an ideal spot-the furnace room. I stacked the presents and covered them with a blanket, positive they’d remain undiscovered.
When I went to get the gifts to put them under the tree, I lifted the blanket and there, stacked neatly on top of my gifts, were presents addressed to "Mom and Dad, From the Kids."

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I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas. … …
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Now I’m freaking stuck taking care of a puppy.

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Me: Hey dad, do you remember blowing bubbles when you were a little kid?
Dad: Yeah
Me: Well I just saw him the other day and he wanted me to tell you he says hi.
Dad: Fuск you

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Short kid: Hey tall kid, I bet you don't know who your dad is!
Me: What's the matter? Where are Snow White and the other six dwarves? They're probably celebrating the fact that they lost you! Short kid:(Silence)

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A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said,
"Now that's addition." In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said,
"Now that's subtraction." Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. And both together smiled and said,
"That's multiplication." Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked that boy three blocks away and said,
"That's long division!"

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"An abstract noun," the teacher said,
"Is something you can think of, but you can't touch it.
Can you give me an example of one?"
"Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."

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Don't you love the zoo? I love the monkeys, those are my favorite. They're so cute. And my least favorite, those are the, uh -- with little heads, the -- the kids.

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