Kids jokes, Toddler Jokes, Children jokes
“So what did you wish for?” Asked my wife as I blew out my birthday candles.
“I’m not telling you that,” I replied, “It won’t come true.”
“Oh, come on, you don’t believe that do you?” She asked.
I said, “I’m not taking any chances, you сunт, just leave it.”
“Right, that’s it,” she raged, “I’ve had enough of your mouth, I’m taking the kids to my mum’s for the day.”
“There you go,” I smiled, “if I’d have just told you that, it may not have come true.”
This teacher is teaching her grade four class, and she’s telling them that the word of the day is ‘contagious.’ She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several people stick up their hands. “Carl,” she says.
Carl says, “My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, ’cause they’re contagious.”
“Very good,” says the teacher.
Then she picks Suzie, who says, “The atmosphere was contagious,” and the teacher says, “Excellent, Suzie!”
Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up, at the back of the class.
“Yes, Johnny?” she says. Johnny says, “The other day, me and my dad’s a-sittin around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, “Jesus, it’s gonna take that c*nt ages to finish that fence.”
Finding her young son scooping ice cream in the kitchen, a mother raged, “Dinner is going to be ready soon. Put that ice cream away and go and play.”
“But mum” wailed the child, “There’s no one to play with.”
“OK,” said the mother wearily, “I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?
“Lets play mummy and daddy. You go upstairs and lie on the bed.”
So the mother went upstairs and lay on the bed.
The boy put on his father’s fishing hat, lit up one of his cigars, went upstairs and opened the bedroom door.
Seeing him standing there, the mother asked,”Now what do I do?”
The boy answered, “Get your аss out of bed you whоrе and fix that kid some fсuкing ice cream!”
Kids -- like the new generation right now -- these kids, right, they got attitudes. They're so young, all of them, they got that hip hop attitude, even though they're like white, Asian, black, Latino, doesn't matter right... 'Billy, come and eat!'
'Man, shut up, Mom. Shut up, I'm talking on my cell phone... Nah, it's just my mom вiтсhin' again!'