Kids jokes, Toddler Jokes, Children jokes

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A young girl’s father had been in the hospital for a serious operation, and for several days he could not receive visitors. Still in pretty bad shape, he was finally allowed a visit from his family. His young daughter was baffled by her father’s condition. “But Dad, you look awful! Didn’t you get my get-well-card?”

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There is a blind kid in his room and his mother walks in to give him his soup.
Mom: If you drop that soup you will see whats coming.
Blind kid: *drops soup* Mom its not working.

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A Grandmother asked her teenage grandson to lightly water the plants outside in the backyard, but to not wet the grass because the younger grandchildren wanted to go out to play in the yard. She didn't want the yard to be muddy for them to walk through. The teenage grandson happily said he understood and went outside to begin watering the plants.
A few moments later the Grandmother looked out the window and was surprised to see her teenage grandson using the water hose to spray water all over the grass in the yard. She ran outside to ask him why he was soaking the grass in water, causing the entire yard to turn muddy.
He replied, "To rinse the morning dew off the grass so it won't be wet when the kids come out to play."

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I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone...
I said,
"The whole time."

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A preacher was walking down the street when he notices a little boy trying to ring the doorbell but it's just out of his reach. he watches his efforts for some time and walks over to press the the веll. After he pressed it he leveled down to the boy and asked' "Now what?" to which the boy turned and shouted, "NOW WE RUN!!"

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You can't leave anything around little kids. They go through your stuff, your luggage, your toiletries. I sleep in their room; I wake up in the middle of the night -- they're rummaging through my things. They have my underwear on their head; they're wearing my lipstick. They're like raccoons on a camping trip.

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At an art gallery, a woman and her 10 year old son were having a tough time choosing between two paintings. They finally chose and went with the autumn themed one.
“I see you prefer an autumn scene as opposed to a floral one,” said the gallery owner, who happened to be nearby and witnessed the mother-son interaction.
“No,” said the boy. “This painting is wider, so it’ll cover the three holes I put in the wall.”

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Somewhere an elderly lady reads a book on how to use the internet, while a young boy googles "how to read a book".

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Why didn't Ken and Barbie have kids?
Ken came in a different box.

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I dont uderstand y eerything hasto go against black people!
What have they ever done to u?
They were enslaved by white people and all u idiots do is to make fun about them. kickass if u agree with me
Btw i am a white 12 year old kid with this opinion

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There's a reason it's called "girls gone wild" and not "women gone wild". When girls go wild, they show their тiтs. When women go wild, they кill men and drown their kids in a tub.

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Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
There go the lights again...
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys - and this guy's got two of'em.
That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Uh Oh! Page 47 is missing!

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When I was a kid, my dad use to say:
“Discoveries are often made by not following instructions, by going off the main road, by trying the untried.”
Probably why I fail my driving tests.

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You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

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One good piece of advice my parents gave me when I was growing up is 'Always doo-doo before you leave the house' -- which is some of the reason why some of you are not laughing too hard now.

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I love my mother, man, 'cause she wanted to keep me and my brothers off the streets. We grew up in a drug-infested neighborhood -- the United States.

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Kid: Oh my god. Me: what did you finally look at a mirror?

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The Tooth Fairy teaches kids that they get money for their body parts. I blame her for prostitution.

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