Kids jokes, Toddler Jokes, Children jokes

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The only difference between a реdорhilе and a zit is a zit waits for a child to reach puberty before it comes across its face!

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Little Tim, a 5 year old called 911 and very softly said:
"Hello”. Officer Pam asked: are your parents there? Little Tim answered:
"Yes, their busy", the police, the fire department are here and they are busy”
Officer Pam said, so son your telling me that the police, fire department, and your parents are there and they are all busy?
Little Tim:
"Yes"
Officer Pam: What are they all doing
Little Tim:
"Looking for me"

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If you look in your high school yearbook, it's so great 'cause the stuff people wrote in there -- very sincere. I want to call people based on what they wrote in my yearbook. Like, I haven't talked to them since, just call 'em up:
'Hey Susan, what's going on? This is Laura. What am I doing? Staying sweet, just like you said. Thanks for the advice, it is really working out for me.'

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Why are parents so bad at discussing sеx with their kids?
When I was ten-years-old, I saw two dogs shаgging in the street and asked my Mum what they were doing.
“Dancing,” she replied.
The first school dance I went to, I got fсuкing expelled.

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“Do you know what happens when you die? ” this priest said to me,
“Well yes, ” I replied, “the kids will argue over my shiт, the wife will probably shаg my brother again, and everybody who thinks I am a proper сunт will go round telling my family what a great bloke I was. ”

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What did the hot dog say when he crossed the finish line?
I’m the wiener!

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A little boy took the chair at the barbershop. “How would you like your hair cut today, son?” asked the barber. “Oh, do it like you do Daddy’s, with the big hole at the back.”

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They had this article taped [to the register], and the headline of the article said 'Did you know the blood of 40 million babies has stained United States soil since 1963 through legalized abortion.' And I'm like, Whoa, whoa -- 40 million babies stained U. S. soil? Who's doing these abortions outside? Oh my God, put down a tarp or something!

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We should start telling kids that Santa moved to the Amazon and sends gifts in the mail now.

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The following conversation took place in a government meeting regarding the school curriculum.
Adviser: So what are we gonna teach the kids?
Politician: I’ve decided to go with Pythagoras’s theorem.
Adviser: But what about car repairs, applying for loans, buying a house, starting a business or doing taxes?
Politician: No!! Finding the length of a triangle is more important.

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So this kids dad walks into his sons room and says,
"Did you know if you маsтеrвате too much you will go blind?" His son says,
"Hey dad, I'm over here."

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I had a kid who threatened to кill me one year because I gave him an F. Another teacher caught one of my students writing 'Кill Mr. Vallee' in his weekly planner in the section labeled 'Weekly Goals and Objectives.' And the school was freakin' out. They didn't know what to do about it. They kept asking me if I felt threatened, and I'm like, 'Why? This kid hasn't met any goals in his objectives all year.'

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Today I decided to burn a lot of calories... So I lit a fат kid on fire!!!

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How does a kid from Alabama remember how to put on his underwear? …
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Yellow in front and brown in the back

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Bully: Hey diскhеаd how is your day?(Bully is saying to much shiт) New kid: I bet your аss is getting jealous of all the shiт coming out your mouth.
Class: OOOHHHH!!!

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Sally was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 5-year-old daughter to answer the phone.
“Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”

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When my daughter was little, we took a vacation to Florida. Seated on the airplane near the wing, I pointed out to Rhonda that we were above the ocean. "Can you see the water?" I asked her.
"No," she said, peering out the window at the wing, "but I can see the diving board."

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A unit in sеx education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. A boy handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, “My mom says I can take the course as long as there’s no homework.’

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