Kids jokes, Toddler Jokes, Children jokes

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If you look in your high school yearbook, it's so great 'cause the stuff people wrote in there -- very sincere. I want to call people based on what they wrote in my yearbook. Like, I haven't talked to them since, just call 'em up:
'Hey Susan, what's going on? This is Laura. What am I doing? Staying sweet, just like you said. Thanks for the advice, it is really working out for me.'

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Now that I'm a dad, I'll call my dad, ask for advice. He always says the same thing, 'How'd you get this number?'

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Why are parents so bad at discussing sеx with their kids?
When I was ten-years-old, I saw two dogs shаgging in the street and asked my Mum what they were doing.
“Dancing,” she replied.
The first school dance I went to, I got fсuкing expelled.

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What did the hot dog say when he crossed the finish line?
I’m the wiener!

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A little boy took the chair at the barbershop. “How would you like your hair cut today, son?” asked the barber. “Oh, do it like you do Daddy’s, with the big hole at the back.”

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They had this article taped [to the register], and the headline of the article said 'Did you know the blood of 40 million babies has stained United States soil since 1963 through legalized abortion.' And I'm like, Whoa, whoa -- 40 million babies stained U. S. soil? Who's doing these abortions outside? Oh my God, put down a tarp or something!

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We should start telling kids that Santa moved to the Amazon and sends gifts in the mail now.

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The following conversation took place in a government meeting regarding the school curriculum.
Adviser: So what are we gonna teach the kids?
Politician: I’ve decided to go with Pythagoras’s theorem.
Adviser: But what about car repairs, applying for loans, buying a house, starting a business or doing taxes?
Politician: No!! Finding the length of a triangle is more important.

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So this kids dad walks into his sons room and says,
"Did you know if you маsтеrвате too much you will go blind?" His son says,
"Hey dad, I'm over here."

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I had a kid who threatened to кill me one year because I gave him an F. Another teacher caught one of my students writing 'Кill Mr. Vallee' in his weekly planner in the section labeled 'Weekly Goals and Objectives.' And the school was freakin' out. They didn't know what to do about it. They kept asking me if I felt threatened, and I'm like, 'Why? This kid hasn't met any goals in his objectives all year.'

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A bloke gets home from the factory and as he gets in his wife is in the kitchen. The house is spotless and the kids are clean and tidy sat watching the TV. Even the dog has had a bath. His wife calls from the kitchen, “Tea will only be five minutes, I am waiting for the pies in the microwave, and the сhiрs.”
“Fuск me,” he replied, “is the internet down or something?”

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Today I decided to burn a lot of calories... So I lit a fат kid on fire!!!

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Bully: Hey diскhеаd how is your day?(Bully is saying to much shiт) New kid: I bet your аss is getting jealous of all the shiт coming out your mouth.
Class: OOOHHHH!!!

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Sally was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 5-year-old daughter to answer the phone.
“Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”

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When my daughter was little, we took a vacation to Florida. Seated on the airplane near the wing, I pointed out to Rhonda that we were above the ocean. "Can you see the water?" I asked her.
"No," she said, peering out the window at the wing, "but I can see the diving board."

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A unit in sеx education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. A boy handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, “My mom says I can take the course as long as there’s no homework.’

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I get intimidated by people a lot, but I'm mostly intimidated by English children 'cause I think that they all sound like they're 50.

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A third grader that got into trouble from time to time was in the principal’s office for a quiet talking to. “And Peter,” asked the principal, “how do yu like your teacher? Do you get along all right?’
“Oh, yes sir,” replied Peter. “ I think she’s the cream of the coop.”

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