Kids jokes, Toddler Jokes, Children jokes

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There is this African-American kid that goes to school and notices that the teachers treat the white kids better than the kids of color.
So he goes home and paints himself white and shows his dad.
Hey dad look im white! His dad kicks his аss, and says alright go show your mother.
Hey mom look im white! His mom beats the sh1t out of him then tells him to go show his grandma.
Hey grandma look im white, she beats his аss (Big Momma style) and sends him to his room.
About an hour later all the family comes to his room and says have you learned anything from this?
The kid says yeah ive learned I have only been white for an hour and I already hate 3 black people.

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I’ve learned a very valuable lesson today, as a parent.
Pretending that you don’t know your kids in public, is much easier than trying to discipline them.

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“Why does your husband always call you his Fair Lady when you’re a brunet?”
“He is a bus conductor”

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The pediatric nurse entered the room, prepared to do the job of giving a shot to a little girl. Upon entering the examining room, little girl starting screaming, “NO! NO! NO!”
“Jessica,” her mother scolded her, “that is not polite behavior!”
The girl stopped briefly and then continued with her screaming, “NO THANK YOU! NO THANK YOU! NO THANK YOU!”

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A little boy went to his teacher to tell her he found a frog.
The teacher asked if it was alive or dead.
The little boy said that it was dead.
The teacher asked how he knew.
The boy said , "I рissеd in its ear."
The teacher said,
"You what?"
He said,
"You know, I went to his ear and said, 'psst!' and it didn't move. So it must be dead."

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Once upon a time in willneverhappenville, there was a black guy who worked very hard, never stole and always took very good care of his kids... The End

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A salesman telephone a household, and a four-year-old answered.
Salesman: May I speak to your mother?
Child: She is not here.
Salesman: Well, is anyone else there?
Child: My sister
Salesman: O. K., fine. May I speak to her?
Child: I guess so.
There was a long silence on the other phone. Then;
Child: Hello?
Salesman: It’s you. I thought you were going to call your sister.
Child: I did. The trouble is: I can’t get her out of the playpen.

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*everyone in class talking at once*
Teacher: *yell's* WHY DO I HEAR TALKING
James: *yell's* CAUSE YOU HAVE EAR'S YOU DUMB АSS ВIТСН!
Teacher: James's can you please step outside of the class for a minute
*kid's in the back with air horn's make MLG horn sound's*
I legit no joke did this at school

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Here's another sign of getting older, boy: you find yourself saying and doing things your parents said and did. You can't help it. You turn right into your folks, right? I'm saying stuff my dad would say to me. He would say stuff like, 'I want you to have the things I never had.' Apparently, my dad never had a beating.

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The other day, my little boy talked back to my wife. She told him to do something; he said, 'No, I don't want to.' So, I had to pull him aside and say, 'Listen -- you gotta teach me how to do that.'

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Willy runs in and tells his mother you’d better come out. I’ve just knocked over the ladder at the side of the house. His mother says, go and tell your father, I’m busy.
Willy says, Mom he already knows, he’s hanging from the roof.

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I'm a Jersey girl myself. I grew up there as a latchkey kid. You guys know what that is? It's like a legal term for neglect.

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My parents' 40th wedding anniversary last week. I talked to them. They're feeling old, but they also believe it's never too late in life to do the things you really want. So, this year they put me up for adoption.

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One man asked a schoolboy, "How old is your father?"
The boy replied, "He is 8 years old."
Man:
"What?"
Boy:
"Because he became a father when I was born 8 years ago."

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Doctor: Do you drink or smoke?
Kid: No
Doctor: *Under his breath* What a loser.

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When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself.
I think they are getting impatient.

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A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!"
The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if you get hungry?" he said.
"Then I'll come home and eat!" declared the child, bravely.
"And what if you run out of money?"
"I will come home and get some!" readily replied the child.
The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirтy?"
"Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them," was the reply.
The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running away from home, he's going off to college!!!"

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Mrs. Sullivan and her little daughter Patty were outside the church watching all the comings and goings of a wedding. After the photographs had been taken, everyone had driven off to the reception, and all the excitement was over. Patty asked her mother, “Why did the bride change her mind, Mommy?
“How do you mean, change her min?” asked Mrs. Sullivan.
“Well said the child, “she went into the church with one man and came out with another!”

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