A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.
When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.
The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.
The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"
The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"

1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2.. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in рsyсhо-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're inthe wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get suскеd into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suск, we would all fall off.
23.. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your вuтт tomorrow.

What is the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem, you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.
What does an accountant do for birth control?
A. He talks about his business.
What is an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.
What is an insolvency practitioner?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
There are just three types of accountants:
Those who can count and those who can't.
Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
Depreciation.
What is the difference between a lawyer and an accountant?
The accountant knows he is boring.
How was copper wire invented?
Two accountants were arguing over a penny.
What's an auditor?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.
What's an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he's/she's talking to you instead of his/her own.
Accountants don't die, they just lose their balance.
What's an accountant's idea of trashing his/her hotel room?
Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
What's a shy and retiring accountant?
An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's/she's retiring.
What's an actuary?
An accountant without the sense of humor.
Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
They find bookkeeping too exciting.
What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
Invite an accountant.
What is GAAP (generally accepted accounting principles)?
The difference between accounting theory and practice.