Lawyer Jokes

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My Lawyer said to me
“I have some good news and I have some bad news”?
“I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first”? I said
My lawyer said: “Your wife invested $5,000 in 2 pictures today that she figured were worth a minimum of $5 million”!!!!
“Well done, very good news indeed! You’ve just made my day - now what’s the bad news”?? I replied enthusiastically
“The pictures are of you sсrеwing your secretary” he said

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Lawyers really aren't so bad, it's just ninety-nine percent of lawyers that make the rest look bad.

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What do lawyers wear to court?
Lawsuits!

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What's a lawyer's favorite drink?
Subpoena colada.

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A lawyer and a regular average Joe are on a plane together. The pilot comes on the speaker and announces that the flight will take up to 16 hours. The lawyer turns to Joe and says,
"Okay, I have a game we can play while we pass the time. You ask me any question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50. Then, I get to ask you a question, any question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5." The average Joe says,
"Okay, what has four legs going up a hill, and three legs at the bottom?" The lawyer thinks for a moment, then hands Joe $50 and says,
"Wow, that was tough. I don't know, what does have four legs going up a hill and three legs at the bottom?" Joe then hands the lawyer $5 and says to him, "There's your $5."

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Why did God invent lawyers?
So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.

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A recently widow says to her friend, “Oh don’t talk to me about lawyers”
“I’ve had so much trouble settling my late husband’s estate that I sometimes whish he hadn’t died….”

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A man goes to see his lawyer to prepare his will. At the first meeting, the lawyer takes all the information down, and sends the man home, telling him to come see him again in two weeks.
Two weeks later, the man comes back, reads the will and signs it in front of three witnesses. The lawyer says:
"That will be $100." (This is an old joke.)
The man pays him, shakes his hand and leaves.
The lawyer looks down in his hand and notices not one but two $100 bills, and so, he faces a serious ethical dilemma.
Do you know what the dilemma is?
Does he tell his partner, or not?

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A man requires surgery to remove his left leg. He consults with the surgeon; plans are made for surgery the next morning. Morning comes and the Surgeon arrives still intoxicated from a night on the town. He removes the left leg only after mistakenly removing the right. Needless to say the patient, after recovering, saw a lawyer who told him he couldn't win, because he didn't have a leg to stand on.

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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

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A lawyer is walking along the beach and spots a glass bottle in the sand. When he opens it he discovers a genie inside.
Genie: Sir, I will grant you three wishes, but you must understand that whatever you wish for, every other lawyer in the world will get double.
Man: Hmmm. Okay. First I'd like $100 million.
Genie: No problem, but just understand that each lawyer got $200 million.
Man: I understand. For my second wish, I'd like a new Porsche. In red, please.
Genie: Fine. It is in your garage. And just FYI, every lawyer in the world just got two of the same.
Man: That's okay with me.
Genie: And for your third wish?
Man: Well, I always did want to donate a kidney . . .

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A lawyer called his client but their young son answered the phone, whispering "Hello?"
The lawyer asked if the boy's parents were home and the boy replied in a whisper, "Yes, but they can't come to the phone, they're very, very busy." A bit frustrated the lawyer asked if anyone else was home, to which the boy replied in a whisper, "Yes, my brothers are home, my sisters are home..."
The lawyer asked the young boy to put one of them on the phone, to which the boy replied in a whisper, "They can't come to the phone, they're very, very busy." Now very frustrated the lawyer asked if anyone else was home, to which the boy replied in a whisper, "Yes, my aunts are here, my uncles are here..."
The lawyer asked the young boy to put one of them on the phone, to which the boy replied in a whisper, "They can't come to the phone, they're very, very busy." Now completely frustrated the lawyer screams, "What are what are they all doing?"
The boy replied in a whisper, "They're looking for me".

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“The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with the money bags,” a defense lawyer confided to a suspect. “That’s nothing, said the suspect. “I can produce five hundred witnesses who didn’t see me running from the bank.”

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Visiting a seriously ill lawyer in the hospital, his friend found him sitting up in bed, anxiously leafing through the Bible.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“Looking for loopholes,” was the lawyer’s reply.

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A tough case was being argued in court. The defense attorney, feeling that he was in trouble, sent the judge a bottle of 40-year old Scotch. The defendant was fit to be tied.
“The judge’ll кill me. Trying to bribe him! We’re dead!”
“I don’t think so,” his attorney told him. “I sent it in the prosecutor’s name!”

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So, the courtroom bailiff makes the morning announcement:
“All rise! Hear ye, Hear ye, The Court of the Second Judicial Circuit, Criminal Division, is now in session, the honorable Judge Calhoun Brown presiding. All who have business before this Court approach the bench and be heard.”
The lawyer and his client stand before the imposing judge in his black robe.
Judge Calhoun: What’s yo’ name, boy?
Defendant: Joshua, yo’ Honor.
Judge Calhoun: Joshua? Is you de Joshua in de Bible dat made de sun stand still?
Defendant: No suh. Ah’s de Joshua who made de moonshine still.

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Calhoun is a crafty black lawyer and his client, Leroy, was caught - In flagrante delicto by two policemen - shаgging a 17-year-old girl.
To save the county time and money, the prosecuting attorney agrees to bargain down to a lesser charge of “Indecent Exposure.”
The case takes an unusual turn when Calhoun addresses the judge… “Yo honnuh, there be a problem here. Muh client iz charged with ‘Indecent Exposure,’ but if mah client had been ‘in decent,’ how could he have been exposed?”
“Case dismissed,” gulped the judge.

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A violent tropical storm enveloped a sailing yacht off the southern coast of Florida lasting all night and most of the next morning. As the sky cleared and the seas calmed, the people on the yacht realized they were grounded on a coral reef about a mile from shore in shark infested waters.
Most of those aboard the yacht were badly injured from their ordeal. The only able bodied that were on board were a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer.
The doctor says, “Someone is going to have to swim ashore and get some help. I would volunteer but most of the crew and passengers are in pretty bad shape and I am needed here to care for them.”
The priest replies, “I would volunteer to go also but I might be needed to comfort the injured or perform last rights.”
The lawyer says, “No problem.”
He immediately strips off his shirt and dives into the shark infested water. There is a great turbulence in the water and then the doctor and priest notice that all of the sharks have formed a double line from the yacht to the beach allowing the lawyer to swim between them.
“My Goodness,” says the priest. “It is a miracle!”
The doctor looking at the lawyer swimming to shore says, “No, Father. It is not a miracle. It’s professional courtesy!”

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