Lawyer Jokes

Most popular in this category
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.
Here is the exchange :
Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'
Citibank:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
Citibank:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
Citibank:
'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
Citibank:
'Excuse me?'
Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'
Citibank:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'
Citibank:
'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member:
'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)
Citibank:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member:
'Sure.' (Fax number was given)
After they get the fax :
Citibank:
'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'
Citibank:
'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'
(What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'
Citibank:
'That might help...'
Family Member:
' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'
Citibank:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Family Member:
'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'
You wondered why Citi is going broke and need the feds to bail them out!!
Lawyer Jokes
A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there for a week or two.
One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him. The friend, happy to get anything free from a lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the time came, they spent a wonderful time, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors.
One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were picking raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were approached by two huge bears--a male and a female.
The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his high-powered rifle and raced back to the berry area with the lawyer. All the while, he was plagued by visions of lawsuit from his friend's family. He just had to save his friend.
Luckily, the bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male.
The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.
"What did you do that for?!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"
Lawyer Jokes
Lawyer Jokes
CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the
Market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiот who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets
Equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought
Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.
Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Lawyer Jokes
Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes
По какво можете да познаете дали един адвокат лъже? Lyin' Lawyer Laffs Male Lie Detector ¿Cómo se sabe cuándo un abogado está mintiendo?. Woran erkennt man, ob ein Mann lügt? Seine Lippen bewegen sich. Comment savoir si un assureur vous ment ? Ses lèvres bougent. Woran erkennt man das Donald Trump lügt? Er bewegt die Lippen How can you know a lawyer is lying? When he moves his lips. Comment fait-on pour savoir quand un homme dit des niaiseries? -Les lèvres bougent Woran erkennt man, ob eine Frau lügt? – Man guckt, ob sie die Lippen bewegt! Hur vet en döv människa om en advokat ljuger? - Hans läppar rör sig! Como voce sabe que um advogado esta' mentindo ? R: Seus labios estao se mexendo. Mistä voit päätellä, että asianajaja valehtelee? - Sen huulet liikkuvat. Da che cosa si capisce che un avvocato sta mentendo? Dal fatto che le sue labbra si muovono! Cum îţi dai seama că un avocat minte? Îşi mişcă buzele. Kaip jūs galite pasakyti, kad juodaodis meluoja? Jo lūpos juda. Po czym się poznaje, ze polityk kłamie? - Po tym, ze porusza ustami... Πώς καταλαβαίνεις ότι ένας δικηγόρος λέει ψέματα; Κουνιούνται τα χείλη του.
Lawyer Jokes
Money jokes Lawyer Jokes