In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer, and a cowboy were standing side by side using the urinаl. The accountant finished, zipped up, and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands, clear up to his elbows. He used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan, and they taught us to be clean." The lawyer finished, zipped up, and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California, and they taught us to be environmentally conscious." The cowboy zipped up, and as he was walking out the door, he said, "I graduated from Texas Tech University, and they taught us not to рiss on our hands."
David was a new golfer, who had taken to the game so deeply that he lost all track of time. As almost a commandment, when David went out to play golf, he was always late coming home by three or more hours. Needless to say, Grace his wife, suffered as well as she could, but every once in a while she threw a fit because of his broken time to be home promises.
It was Sunday afternoon and David was heading out the door for the golf course. Grace nailed him before he got out the door and reminded him that her sister and husband would be there that evening for supper at 7PM . Dave saw no problem with this and swore to Grace that he would be home by 6PM. Well in time to meet his sister-in-law. Grace made him promise several times and Dave swore he would be home by 6.
Grace started looking out the door at 5:30 and saw no sign of Dave. 6PM, Dave's, promised time of arrival came and still no Dave had arrived. Minutes passed and at 6:30 the guests arrived. Grace served cocktails and started burning under the collar.
Dinner was served late at 8PM and still no Dave. Grace was thinking of good divorce lawyers. When 10:30 arrived the guests left and Grace sat down in the living room to have a good cry.
At 11:15 Dave walked through the door, sat his clubs in the corner and sat down with his wife. "Such a golf game I had. On the second hole, Irving dropped dead. After that it was terrible. Hit the ball, drag Irving. Hit the ball, drag Irving. Hit the ball, drag Irving...
A man comes home and finds he has a letter from the Inland Revenue, advising him that he’s going to be audited. In a panic, he calls his accountant:
“ОМG, I’m going to be audited, what do I do?” he says.
“Don’t worry, I have all your receipts and paperwork in order.” says the accountant. “But I have a piece of advice for you: wear scruffy clothes, that way the auditor will think you’re down on your luck and take pity on you.”
The man then calls his lawyer to see if there are any legal ramifications related to auditing that he should know about.
“…and remember, if anything doesn’t seem right, call me!” says the lawyer. “Oh, and one other thing: wear your best clothes so the auditor will think you’re well off and will respect you more.”
Now the man is confused; he’s got conflicting advice and doesn’t know what to do. So he goes to his pastor and explains the situation.
“Well, my son, let me tell you a story.” says the pastor. “Sometimes before the wedding, brides will come to me and say they’ve received conflicting advice on what to wear for their wedding night. One friend will tell them to wear something very modest but another friend tells them to wear something very rасy & revealing. I’m going to give you the same advice I give them.”
“Oh yeah? What’s that?” says the man.
“It doesn’t matter what you wear-your still gona get fuскеd!”
An Englishman, a German and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of вооzе when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible сriме of actually being caught consuming the вооzе, they are all sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a sтrоке of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced:
"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.
The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said:
"Please tie a pillow to my back. This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
The Frenchman was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly:
"Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.
The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said:
"You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Englishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.
The Englishman smiled and said, "Tie the Frenchman to my back."
I married a lawyer, which I know sounds very impressive. Every girl dreams, when they grow up, they're gonna marry a doctor, marry a lawyer. But me, I had to marry the only lawyer in America with a conscience. I didn't marry the cutthroat, ruthless, gimme-all-your-money lawyer. No, I married the pay-me-what-you-can-whenever-you-can-I-just-want-to-see-justice-served lawyer. I got so ripped off, ladies and gentlemen. Do you know what it's like? It's like I finally banged a rock star, but he's with a Christian band.