Lawyer Jokes

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Her father's a doctor, her mother's a nurse, her sister's in pharmaceuticals and her brother's a malpractice lawyer. That's not a family; that's an HMO.

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After being arrested for robbery, Quinn hired the best lawyer in town. …
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“Look,” Quinn said, “I’ve got nearly a million in cash in my bank safety deposit box. Can you get me off?”
The lawyer smiled and said, “Believe me, pal, you will never go to prison with that kind of money.”
And sure enough, he didn’t. He went to prison flat broke.
(BTW, the lawyer has a new house in a very upscale neighborhood.)

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An attorney, anxious to impress the judge with the detail, asked the following line of questions of a doctor who had recently performed an autopsy.
Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
No.
Did you check for blood pressure?
No.
Did you check for breathing?
No.
So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
No.
How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

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So there was a plane and in that plane was 4 people a Pilot,Lawyer,Priest, and a kid. The plane is going down and fast but there was only 3 parachutes so the pilot says "I have a family and a daughter that is expecting" he grabs a parachute and jumps off the plane. The lawyer says "well I'm the smartest man on earth so I have to live" he grabs a parachute and jumps off. So now there is only 1 parachute left the Priest notices this and tells the kid " Son go ahead take the last one I have lived my life" The boy looks around the plane and says "wait we can both live" the priest says " well how can that be?", the boy says " because the smartest man in the world just jumped off with my backpack" ????

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One Friday afternoon, a man walks up to an ATM machine to deposit his check. Upon his turn, the ATM shuts down for repairs so the man walks into the bank. Inside the bank, there are about 30 people inside waiting to make transactions and the line is moving really, really slow.
The man gets impatient, sigh loudly, tapping his foot and making comments aloud. All of a sudden the man behind him reaches up and begins to massages his shoulders.
1st man - HEY! What are you doing?!?!
2nd man - Well sir, I'm a masseuse and you look a little tense so I thought I'd help you out with a massage!
1st man - Well, that's just great buddy. I'm a lawyer - you don't see me sсrеwing the guy in front of me, do ya?

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A motorist was on trial for striking a pedestrian. The motorist's lawyer made this point, "Your honor, my client has been driving for over thirty years."
To which the lawyer for the plaintiff retorted, "Your honor, if we are going to judge this case by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over 55 years!"

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Trying to find just the right name for your child? Why not pick one of these?
Just find your profession below and we have the right name for you!
Lawyer’s daughter: Sue
Thief’s son: Rob
Lawyer’s son: Will
Doctor’s son: Bill
Hair stylist’s son: Bob
Homeopathic doctor’s son: Herb
Justice of the peace’s daughter: Mary
Sound stage technician’s son: Mike
Gambler’s daughter: Bette
Iron worker’s son: Rusty
TV star’s daughter: Emmy
Movie star’s son: Oscar

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A man committed мurdеr. To fight his case he was advised to hire a good lawyer. He checked one who asked for $100. He thought this one is not good enough. The next one wanted $500. The next $5000. He found a real expensive one who wanted $10,0000. So the accused hired him. Ultimately he lost the case and was sentenced to death. As he was being taken to the death chamber, the first lawyer met him on the way and said " I would have got you this result for $100 only"!

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A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial. “Jury trial,” the defendant replied. “Do you understand the difference?” asked the judge. “Sure,” replied the defendant. “That’s where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one.”

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“Fuскing kids are expensive,” I said. …
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“Is,” corrected my lawyer.

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A mother and a daughter are visiting a deceased family member in a graveyard. On the way out the daughter asks why they bury two people in one grave. The mother asks her daughter why she says that and the daughter replies,
"Well, that gravestone says 'Here lays a lawyer and an honest man.'"

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Three Friends
Three friends - a surgeon, an engineer, and a politician - were discussing which of their professions was the oldest. The surgeon said "Eve was created from Adan's rib - a surgical procedure." The engineer replied:
"Before Adam and Eve, order was created out of chaos, and that was an engineering job." The politician said,
"Yes, but who do you suppose created the chaos?"

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When I was younger, I wanted to be Michael. You know, my friends, they were like, 'I want to be doctor. I want to be a lawyer.' I was like, 'I want to be Michael Jackson!' -- until he turned into a white woman.

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How to identify groups:
A group of White people= Lawyers
A group of Black people= Gangs
A group of Mexican people= Gangs
A group of Italians= Mafia Business
A group of Arab= Terrorists
A group of Romanians= Illegal immigrants
A group of Indians= Rise of the Planet of the Apes

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There was a lawyer and a skunk standing in the road. How can u tell which lane each one was in?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk...

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One guy to another, “Last week I took the first step towards getting divorced.”
“Did you see a lawyer?”
“No, I got married.”

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Teacher: Class when you grow up what do you want to be and why?
Student 1: I want to be a doctor, to help those who are in need.
Student 2: I want to be a lawyer, to also help those who are in need.
Student 3: When I grow up, I'll probably be the one in need...

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Top Ten Things That Sound Dirтy In Law But Aren’t:
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
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9. He is one hard judge!
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8. Counsellor, let’s do it in chambers.
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7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
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6. Is it a penal offence?
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5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
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4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
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3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
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2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
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And the number 1 thing that sounds dirтy in law but isn’t:
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1. Think you can get me off?

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