A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jеrк and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.
The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry, sеxuаl orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an “AH” in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the ‘violator’ for his signature.
The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the “AH” and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember that you’re an аsshоlе!”
Two months later they’re in court. The ‘violator’ has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks;”Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?”
Officer responds, “Yes, sir, that is the defendant’s copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.”
Lawyer:
“Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don’t normally make?”
“Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an “AH,” underlined.”
“What does the “AH” stand for, officer?”
“Aggressive and hostile, Sir.”
“Aggressive and hostile?”
“Yes, Sir?
“Officer, are you sure it doesn’t stand for Аsshоlе?”
“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do!”
Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses: … …
…
(1) “Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?” …
…
(2) “The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?” …
…
(3) “Were you present when your picture was taken?” …
…
(4) “Were you alone or by yourself?”
(5) “Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?”
(6) “Did he кill you?”
(7) “You were there until the time you left, is that true?”
(8) “How many times have you committed suicide?”
(9) Q:
“So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?”
“Yes.”
“And what were you doing at that time?”
(10) Q:
“She had three children, right?”
“Yes.”
“How many were boys?”
“None.”
“How many were girls?”
(11) Q:
“You say the stairs went down to the basement?”
“Yes.”
“And these stairs, did they go up also?”
(12) Q:
“All your responses must be оrаl, OK? What school did you go to?”
“Оrаl.”
“What city do you currently reside in?”
“Оrаl.”
(13) Q:
“Do you recall the time that you examined the body?”
“The autopsy started around 8:30 p. M.”
“And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?”
“No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.”
(14) Q:
“You were shot in the fracas?”
“No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.”
A priest, a doctor and a lawyer are stuck behind a particularly slow groups of golfers. After three holes, they complain to the club secretary.
“Sorry, chaps, that’s a group of blind firemen,” he explains, “they lost their sight saving our clubhouse from burning down last year, so we let them play here for free any time they want.”
“That’s so sad,” says the priest, “I’ll say a prayer for them tonight.”
“Good idea,” says the doctor, “I’ll contact my ophthalmologist friend and see if there’s anything he can do.”
“That’s all very well,” says the lawyer, “but why can’t they play at night?”
An elderly man gathered together three of his most trusted friends, a doctor, a lawyer, and a priest. He said to his friends, "Now, I know I can't take it with me when I die but I'd like to try." He handed each of them an envelope each containing $10,000,000 in cash.
"I'd like each of you to throw the envelopes into the grave after they put me in," he said. The three looked at each other and agreed to the elderly man's final wishes. The elderly man soon dies and when he is lowered to his grave, friends throw in the envelope and the elderly man is buried with them. On the way back to the cars the doctor says,
"I have a confession. I was thinking last night about the children's recovery program I'm getting off the ground and $10,000,000 would have been a great start to the program's funding. I figured I would put the money to good use rather than have it buried 6 feet underground."
The lawyer went nuts telling him that going against the elderly man's will is a huge сriме. Then the priest also confessed, "I also thought I'd put the money to good use. The mission’s fund the church is trying to put together has received little contribution. $10,000,000 would be a huge boost to the fund." The lawyer was absolutely outraged talking about how they could both end up in jail.
He said,
"You should've done what I did. The money he gave me is being kept in my safe at home. I wrote a check for $10,000,000 and put that in the envelope and that's what is in the grave!"