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Lawyer Jokes

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Top Ten Things That Sound Dirтy In Law But Aren’t:
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
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9. He is one hard judge!
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8. Counsellor, let’s do it in chambers.
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7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
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6. Is it a penal offence?
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5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
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4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
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3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
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2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
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And the number 1 thing that sounds dirтy in law but isn’t:
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1. Think you can get me off?
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Mrs. Cohen, Mrs. Levy, and Mrs. Lefkovitz are discussing their sons. Mrs Cohen says, “Now my Sheldon, what a man! A world famous lawyer, he is, with big shot clients, a mansion in Beverly Hills, a summer home in Hawaii. He has a beautiful wife, and everything a man could want in the world.”
Mrs. Levy says, “That’s nice. Lemmie tell you about my son Johnathan. He is a doctor, a world-famous researcher. He travels across the world on conferences, talks, lectures. He was nominated for a Nobel prize in Medicine. What a man!”
Mrs. Lefkowitz says, “My Hershel, he’s an engineer. Now, he makes maybe $35,000 a year, and he’s not famous. But his Рее Рее is so long, you can line up ten pigeons in a row on it.”
The ladies sip their tea for a while. Then, Mrs. Cohen says, “Actually, I got a confession to makes. Sheldon’s an up-and-coming lawyer in Los Angeles, but he doesn’t have a mansion or a summer home. He’s a bright young man with a good future.”
Mrs. Levy says:
“Well, I got a confession too. Johnathan is a good doctor, and he got his share of scholarships, but a Nobel prizewinner, he isn’t.” They all look expectantly at Mrs. Lefkowitz.
“Well, all right, I’ll tell the truth too. The last bird gotta stand on one leg.”
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What is the difference between a sреrм and a lawyer? None, both have one in a million chance to be human beings.
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A redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having their babies. Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said “congratulations, your wife has had quadruplets; 4 big baby boys.” …
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The redneck said “I am not surprised. I have a johnson the size of a chimney.” …
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The nurse replied, “you might want to get it cleaned, or get a divorce lawyer, because they are all black.”
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I wanted to sue the airline because they damaged my luggage.
I showed the badly damaged remains to my lawyer.
He said “You don’t have much of a case.”
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A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court."
He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write, 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times."
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It's time for all bad spellers to untie.
I yell because i care.
Is it true that cannibals won't eat a clown because they're afraid they will
Taste funny?
Beauty is in the eye of the вееr holder.
Pets welcome: children must be on leash.
He who laughs last, has the best lawyer.
Actually i am a rocket scientist.
I've been dieting for 31 days and all i lost was 31 days.
Warning: i have an attitude and i know how to use it.
Take me drunк i'm home again
Don't do what i say do what i mean
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
I'm looking for the upper taker not the undertaker.
General custer wore arrow shirts.
The word verb is actually a noun.
It's not whether you win or lose, what counts is if i win or lose
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Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.
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Your Honor,” began the defense attorney, “my client has been characterized as an incorrigible bank robber, without a single socially redeeming feature. I intend to disprove that.”
“And how will you accomplish this?” the judge inquired.
“By proving beyond a shadow of a doubt,” replied the lawyer, “that the note my client handed the teller was on recycled paper.”
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I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said, “I want to sue the airline.”
“You don’t have much of a case,” he replied.
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An attorney ran over to the office of his client. “I can’t believe it!” said the angered attorney. “You sent a case of Dom Perignon to the judge in our case? That judge is as straight as an arrow. Now we’re certain to lose this case!” “Relax,” said the client, “I sent it in the prosecutor’s name.”
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I can't believe I'm actually driving to my lawyers office to go ahead and start filing for divorce from my lovely wife Priyanka Chopra. The sooner it starts the sooner it's gonna finish, I just wanna get it over with so i can marry the young lady that swept me off my feet and completely got me head over heels in love with her. Anushka Sharma i love you honey we will soon get married.------------------Dream finishes and i wake up thinking what if, what if?????????????
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O nce there was a boy named Odd. Odd was the вuтт of jokes his whole life, because of his name, even though he grew up to be a successful lawyer.
When Odd was old and about to die, he said, “People have been teasing me my whole life, and I don’t want them doing it after I am dead, so I don’t want my name printed on my tombstone.”
After Odd died, people saw his blank tombstone and said, “That’s odd!”
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I hired a lawyer who claims to have never lost a case. We lost the case and I said,
"Well, there goes your advertising claim."
He replied, "I got paid and I call that a win!"
"What if I don't pay you?" I asked.
"I advise you to pay. I'll take you to court, get a judgement for the money you owe plus expenses. I'd call that a win win!"
I said,
"Okay then, what do I owe you?"
His reply, "$2500 dollars plus $350."
"What's the 350 for?" I demanded to know.
His answer... "The advice I just gave you."
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A jew walks into ablack guy bar...
At the same time everyone says "my lawyer is here"
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A blond, a rabbi, a schoolkid, a lawyer, a рrоsтiтuте, the pope, a pirate and George Bush walk into a bar...
The bartender says:
Is this a joke?
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The reason for the wage gap is that men have high paying jobs like doctor, lawyer, etc. while women usually have lower paying jobs...
... Like female doctor, female lawyer, etc.
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What does a black man call a black lawyer?
A brother in law
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