1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male. Mentally alert but forgetful.8. The patient refused an autopsy.9. The patient has no past history of suicides.10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.14. She is numb from her toes down.15. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.16. The skin was moist and dry.17. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.18. Patient was alert and unresponsive.19. Rестаl exam revealed a normal size thyroid.20. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.21. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.22. Both вrеаsтs are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.23. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.24. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.25. The patient was to have a воwеl re-section. However, he took a job as a lawyer instead.26. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.27. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.28. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who feltwe should sit on the abdomen and I agree.29. Patient has two teenage children, but no otherabnormalities.
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they argued before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall cut the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said,
"Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to cut him in two!" exclaimed the king's advisor.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
Two physicians board a flight out of Seattle. One sits in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an attorney sits in the seat by the aisle. The lawyer kicks off his shoes, wiggle his toes, and starts to settle in, when the physician in the window seat says, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," says the attorney, "I'm by the aisle. I'll get it for you."
While he's gone, one of the physicians picks up the attorney's shoe and spits in it. When he returns with the coke, the other physician says, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the attorney obligingly fetches the drink. While he's gone, the other physician picks up the other shoe and spits in it.
The lawyer comes back and they all sit back and enjoy the flight. As the plane is landing, however, the attorney slips his feet into his shoes and realizes immediately what has happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asks the physicians. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"
A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.
"I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" Stated the counsel for the insurance company.
"Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head.
"You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better inn my life.' Is that the case?"
"Yeah, but" stammered the farmer.
"A simple yes or not will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly.
"Yes," Replied the farmer.
Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said.
"Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. "Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling. "Now, mate, what the heck would you have said to him?"
An atheist became incensed over Christmas holiday preparations. He filed a lawsuit about the constant celebrations given to Christians and Jews while atheists had no holiday to celebrate.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the long, passionate presentation by the atheist's lawyer, the judge banged his gavel and declared, "Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling. "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter, and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur, and Hanukkah. Yet, my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!"
The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, "Obviously, your client is too confused to know about, much less celebrate, his own atheist holiday!"
The lawyer pompously said, "Your honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be?"
The judge replied, "Well, it comes every year on exactly the same date. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, if your client says there is no God then, according to the Bible, he is a fool. April Fool's Day is his holiday. Now, get out of my courtroom!"