Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes
About 3:30 in the morning, a wife wakes up to find she is alone in the bed and she can hear her husband crying uncontrollably. She gets up and starts to look for him. He's not in the bathroom, living room, or in the kitchen. As she passes the laundry room, she hears his faint sniffels coming from the basement. She turns on the light and goes downstairs to find him. Finally, she finds him huddled in the corner, rolled up into a ball, and crying hysterically. She runs over to him and asks why he is crying. He says,
"Do you remember when we got married twenty (20) years ago?" She looks at him and says,
"Yes". He says,
"Well, a couple of months before, your dad said that I could marry you or go to jail." She says,
"I already know that. I don't see what the problem is." He says,
" don't you see!!! I would have gotten out today!"
Finding her young son scooping ice cream in the kitchen, a mother raged, “Dinner is going to be ready soon. Put that ice cream away and go and play.”
“But mum” wailed the child, “There’s no one to play with.”
“OK,” said the mother wearily, “I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?
“Lets play mummy and daddy. You go upstairs and lie on the bed.”
So the mother went upstairs and lay on the bed.
The boy put on his father’s fishing hat, lit up one of his cigars, went upstairs and opened the bedroom door.
Seeing him standing there, the mother asked,”Now what do I do?”
The boy answered, “Get your аss out of bed you whоrе and fix that kid some fсuкing ice cream!”
An elderly rabbi, having just retired from his duties in the congregation, finally decided to fulfill his lifelong fantasy to taste pork. He went to a hotel in the Catskills in the off-season, entered the empty dining hall and sat down at a table in the far corner. The waiter arrived, and the rabbi ordered roast suckling pig.
As the rabbi was waiting, struggling with his conscience, a family from his congregation walked in! They immediately saw the rabbi and, since no one should eat alone, they joined him. Shocked, the rabbi began to sweat. Eventually, the waiter arrived with a huge domed platter. He lifted the lid to reveal nothing else but roast suckling pig.
"This place is amazing!" cries the rabbi. "You order a baked apple, and look what you get!"