Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes
A priest is sitting inside the church, when a bloke comes in and asks to be confessed.
“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”
“Well, Father,” says the bloke, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”
“Don’t worry, child,” says the priest, “It’s perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner. Nothing serious, so just say two prayers and you will be cleansed of your sins.”
“But Father,” continues the man, “It doesn’t end there. On Tuesday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, but she had gone out with her mates, and the only one there was her sister, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned again, Father.”
“Oh, child,” says the Father, “You must be strong and fight those urges! Eight prayers shall cleanse you of your sins.”
“But Father,” says the bloke again, “On Wednesday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, and she wasn’t there then either, and the only one at home was her mum, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… Again I sinned, Father.”
“Good Lord,” says the priest, “Child, you must think about what you do, so pray-”
“But Father,” says the bloke, “On Thursday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, and the whole family had gone to the shop, and the only one there was the maid, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned yet again, Father.”
The priest falls silent.
“And then,” continues the bloke, “On Friday, I was at her house again, and they had gone out for the weekend and the only one there was her aunt, and , well… the two of us alone, the house empty…”
The priest still did not answer.
“And on Saturday,” said the bloke, “I went to her house again, and there was nobody there except for her grandmother, and, well…”
The man awaits a reply, but upon hearing none, he exits the booth - only to find the priest up on the belfry.
“Father,” he calls, “What are you doing up there? I haven’t finished!”
“Like sh1t, I’m coming down,” says the priest, “The two of us alone, the churches fсuкing empty… and I don’t want you to sin anymore.”
My wife stood before me with some items in front of her. Without a word, she emptied a large jar of mayonnaise and proceeded to fill the empty jar with rocks right to the top, rocks about 2″ diameter, then asked me if the jar was full. I agreed that it was.
She then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in to the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. My wife then asked me if the jar was now full. I agreed that, yes, it was.
She then poured a bag of sand into the jar with the result that the sand filled up the remaining spaces between the rocks and pebbles. “Now,” said my wife, “I want you to recognize that this is your life.
The rocks are the important things - your family, your wife who loves you, your health, your children - anything that is so important to you that if it were lost, you would be nearly destroyed.
The pebbles are the other things in life that matter, but on a smaller scale. The pebbles represent things like your job, your house and your car.
The sand is everything else. The small stuff. Your X-box, football, the pub, роrn. If you put the sand or the pebbles first, there is no room for the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your energy and time on the small stuff, material things, you will never have room for the things that are truly most important.”
I was dumbfounded. Where was she going to get more mayonnaise from for my sandwich?
Two friends are in the living room. The wife of one of them is in the kitchen. "Sweetheart, please, can you hand us the bottle of whisky?" he says. And then, again, "Sweetheart, and two glasses please?"
The other man stares at him and says,
"My gosh, how long have you been married?"
"Thirty years."
"Oh wow, and you still call her sweetheart?"
And the first whispers, "Well, I forgot what her name is!"
“So what did you wish for?” Asked my wife as I blew out my birthday candles.
“I’m not telling you that,” I replied, “It won’t come true.”
“Oh, come on, you don’t believe that do you?” She asked.
I said, “I’m not taking any chances, you сunт, just leave it.”
“Right, that’s it,” she raged, “I’ve had enough of your mouth, I’m taking the kids to my mum’s for the day.”
“There you go,” I smiled, “if I’d have just told you that, it may not have come true.”