Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes
A married couple were lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he would pause and reached over to his wife and fоndlе her “hoo-hah.” He would do this only for a very short while. Then he would stop, and resume reading his book. A few minutes later, he would repeat the action……
…..
The wife gradually became aroused with this. Thinking that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement, before going any further, she got up and started stripping in front of him.
The husband confused, asked, “What are you doing taking all your night clothes off?”
The wife replied, “You were playing with my “hoo-hah,” I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight.
The husband said, “No, not at all.”
Then the wife asked, “Well what the hеll were you doing then?”
To which the husband replied, “I was wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in the book.”
The blonde was told that on their 21st birthdays, each of her older brothers was able to walk on water. So, to maintain the family tradition, on her own 21st birthday she went down to the lake, walked out onto the pier, and stepped off onto the water. She went right to the bottom and rescuers had to pull her out….
…
Later, during her recovery at the hospital, she explained to her parents why she’d done it.
“Oh, Dear,” her mother said, “you don’t understand. The reason you can’t walk on water on your birthday is that you were born in August. Your brothers were both born in February.”
After three years of marriage, Amy was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.
“C’mon, tell me,” she asked for the thousandth time, “how many women have you slept with?”
“Baby, ” he protested, “if I told you, you’d throw a fit.”
Amy promised she wouldn’t get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
“Okay,” he said, “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there’s you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13…..”
The doctors are pretty optimistic about saving his ‘family jewels
It was Saturday night and the preacher still hadn't been able to think of a sermon for the next morning. About 9:00 p. M. he finally said to his wife, "Dear, I think I've come up with the perfect sermon! I'm going to give a sermon about horseback riding!"
She said,
"Don't be silly! You can't give a sermon about horseback riding!"
He replied, "Well, it's going to have to do because I've preached on just about every other subject I can think of."
The next morning as they were driving to church, she said,
"I can't believe that you're insisting on doing this! You know, If you're going to give that silly sermon on horseback riding, I'm just going to stay in the car during the service."
He said,
"OK, then, suit yourself!", so she stayed in the car.
Entering church before the service, the preacher had a sudden inspiration and gave a hеll-fire and brimstone sermon on SЕX that just had the congregation in awe. As the congregation filed out of the church, some of he members saw his wife sitting in the car and approached her window. One of them said,
"Wow! you just missed the best sermon your husband has EVER given!"
She said,
"Yeah, right! What does he know about it! He talks big but he's only tried it twice in his life! "Once before we were married and once after, and he fell off both times!"