Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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My wife told me I had a small реnis, so I said it was big enough to hurt her.
“There isn’t a woman in the world that would be hurt by that thing,” she said.
I then showed her a video of me fсuкing her sister.
“I’ve never been so hurt in all my life,” she said.
“Argument won,” I replied

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I'm not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 20 years. I ordered flowers and told the florist to enclose a card that read, 'Thanks for putting up with me so long.'
When my wife got the delivery, she called me at work.
"Just where do you think you going?" she asked.
"What do you mean?" I said.
She read the card aloud as the florist had written it:
"Thanks for putting up with me. So long."

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“You’re such a fсuкing аrsеhоlе!” my wife shouted. “You only hear what you want to hear!”
So I веnт her over and pulled down her pants.
“What the hеll do you think you’re doing?!” she screamed.
“Exactly what you told me to: fсuк…аrsеhоlе.”

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Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, My wife and I, listened to the instructor declare, ‘It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other..”
He then addressed the men, ‘Can you name and describe your wife’s favourite flower?’
I leaned over, touched my wife’s hand gently, and whispered, White Wings Self-Raising Flour, isn t it?
And thus began my life of celibacy………:
- )

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Two women are talking about marriage. One woman says:
“ I wonder if my husband will love me when my hair is gray.” “Why not? He’s loved you through three shades already.” Replied her friend.

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A neighbor asked his friend, who was celebrating 50 years of marriage, what the secret was to a long and happy marriage?
His friend replied, "When we were first married, we vowed to go out twice a week no matter how little money we had and we have done so for 50 years."
"Twice a week, you say?"
"Yeah. She goes out on Tuesday and I go out on Friday."

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A Jewish daughter says to her mother, “I’m divorcing Irv.”
All he Wants is sеx, sеx and more sеx.
My vаginа is now the size of a 50-cent piece
When it used to be the size of a nickel.”
Her mother says,
“You’re married to a multi-millionaire businessman,
You live in an 8 Bedroom mansion
You drive a $250,000 Ferrari,
You get $2,000 a week allowance,
You take 6 vacations a year and
You want to throw all that away…
Over 45 cents?”
Now that’s a Jewish mother!!!

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So I’m straining on the toilet, pushing as hard as I can and then with a colossal *pop* … it goes dark. My wife shouted, “Darling, are you alright? The power just went out!” I replied:
“Thank goodness for that, I thought my eyes exploded!”

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My wife was getting ready to go out last night..
“You can’t wear that.” I said. “I can see your тiтs under it.”
“So you can.” She said. “Do I need to wear a вrа?”
“Yeah, perhaps.” I replied. “Or a longer dress.”

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I wish I was black -- that way I could start dating you white girls again.

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The Bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride. The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something.
So he announced:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, today is the luckiest day of my life." Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and said,
"My daughter has finally returned my Credit Card to me!!!"
The whole audience burst into laughter. But one was in complete silence... The Groom!

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Kanye West recently gave his wife, Kim Kardashian, a massive second diamond engagement ring.
Kim said, “Wow, thank you so much.”
While every married guy in America said, “Yeah, thanks A LOT Kanye!”

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My wife’s leaving me as I’m too controlling.
It’s ok though, I’m not letting her.

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A few days before her birthday a husband asked his wife, “Dear, what would you like for your present?”
Wife: I really don’t think I should say.
Husband: How about a diamond ring?
Wife: I don’t care much for diamonds.
Husband: well, then, a mink coat?
Wife: You know I do not like furs.
Husband: A golden necklace?
Wife: I already have three of them.
Husband: Well, gosh, what do you want?
Wife: What I’d really like is a divorce
Husband: Hmmm, I wasn’t planning on spending that much

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Father: Don't you think our son gets his brains from me?
Mother: Probably, dear. I still have all of mine.

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It's America, not a load of laundry -- no need to separate the white and the colors.

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My husband and I attended a bridal fair trying to drum up work for his fledgling wedding photography business. One vendor assumed we were engaged and asked when the big day was.
"Oh, we’ve been married ten years," I said.
"Really?" she asked. "But you look so happy?"

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My wife asked, “Would you love me more if I was really smart or really beautiful?”
I replied, “Yes, I probably would.”

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