Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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“Thank fuск that’s over for another year!” Said my wife as I rolled off her.

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Trying to find one woman that I can spend the rest of this weekend with.

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“Do you look at your wife’s face when you are having sеx?”
“I did once and she looked really angry.”
“Why angry?”
“Because she was watching from the window!”

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One friend says to another, "Did you know that the shortest sentence in the English language is 'I am'?"
"Really?" replies the other. "What’s the longest sentence?"
“I do.”

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A women goes to her doctor and he notices she has a black eye. He asks her about it and she breaks down crying and says her husband comes home drunк and beats her all the time. The Doctor says well I fix that for you next time he comes home drunк, drink this and gargle it till he goes to sleep. One month later she goes back to the doctor happy and bruise free and asks what was in that mouthwash? Nothing, You just needed to shut the fuск up.
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HUSBAND: I bet you can’t рiss me off and make me happy at the same time
WIFE: Your johnson is вiggеr than your brother’s

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No guy I know wants to fight with his girlfriend or his wife. When we're arguing with you women, and you women are like, 'Hey, don't act like you don't know what the f**k is going on,' it is because we do not know what the f**k is going on.

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Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

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After a night of drink, drugs and wild sеx, I woke up to find myself next to a really ugly woman.
That’s when I realised I had made it home safely.

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My wife and I have started aggressively planning for our retirement, and by that I mean we're playing the lottery 3-5 times per week.

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One day a couple visited a marriage counselor about their children. The wife says to the marriage counselor "the only reason we are married because neither of us want custody of the children"

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A young man was very excited because he just won a ticket to the Super Bowl. His excitement lessened as he realized his seat was in the back of the stadium. As he searched the rows ahead of him for a better seat, he found an empty one right next to the field. He approached the man sitting next to the empty seat and asked if it was taken. The man replied, “No.” Amazed the young man asked, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?” The older gentleman responded, “That’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she has passed away.”
“Oh, how sad,” the man said. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”
“No,” the man said, “They’re all at the funeral.”

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My wife hasn’t said a word to me in 6 days.
What’s even better is, she thinks it’s punishment. Woo Hoo!

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I suскеd at being single; I was a horrible dater. I used to get phone calls on Friday night:
'John -- hi, it's Blockbuster video. It's nine o'clock on a Friday, you're not here yet. We just wanted to call and make sure you're OK.'

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My wife came in starving today so I made her a great big cheese and ham salad sandwich.
“Don’t eat it just yet, just hold the plate” I said.
Five minutes later I took it off her and threw it in the bin.
“What the heck?!” she snarled.
“Remember this feeling,” I said. “Next time you come to bed all sеxy, in a nightie, smelling gorgeous and ask me just to frickin’ hold you.”

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I won the Lottery last night.
I haven’t told the wife yet, I can’t use my phone on the plane.

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At a session with a marriage counsellor, the wife snapped at me:
“That’s not true! I do enjoy sеx!”
Then, turning to the counsellor, she said:
“But this ANIMAL here expects it three or four times a year!”

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An American couple visiting in a German village stepped into a small shop to look for souvenirs. The woman sneezed.
"Gesundheit" said the clerk.
"Charles," said the American woman to her husband, "we're in luck. There's somebody here who speaks English."

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