Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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Marriage is full of surprises but it's mostly just asking each other "do you have to do that right now?"

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My wife thinks I’m too nosey;
At least, that’s what she wrote in her diary and texted to all her mates.

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My mother told me a long time ago, she said, 'True love lasts for two years.' Do you know what else lasts for only two years? Cell phone contracts. What if they got it right? I've left tons of women, but I will not leave Sprint.

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You're in incredible shape," the doctor said. "How old are you again"?
"I am 78," the man said.
"78!" remarked the doctor. "How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60-year-old."
"Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad, she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside for a walk to settle down," the man explained.
"What does that have to do with it?” asked the doctor.
"I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."

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Two circus acrobats got married...
They just FLIPPED over each other!

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I was sat on a packed bus when this woman said to me,
“Excuse me, why don’t you let this heavily pregnant woman laden with bags of shopping sit down.”
“Why the fuск should I? ” I replied, “I’ve paid my fare the same as her, besides, she can sit down when we get home.”

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I told my wife Ruby that whenever I hear that Kaiser Chiefs song it reminds me of her.
“Which one?” She asked, “Ruby, Ruby, Ruby?”
“No,” I said. “Everyday I love you less and less.”

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Getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.

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I’ve just installed strobe lighting in the bedroom,
It makes the wife look like she’s moving during sеx.

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A husband and wife had a fight.
Wife called her mom: He fought with me again, I am coming to stay with you.
Mom: No dear, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you!

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I was in love with a girl. I thought we was in love. She said, 'Tony, I think I want to see other people.' I said, 'You better look out the window.'

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Whatever happened to the good old days when a boy could meet a girl just by attacking her village?

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When I get home late from the pub.
I’m going to give my wife a right good listening to.

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When I was 14, I wanted a girlfriend.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I wanted a girl with a zest for life.
When I was 19, I found a passionate girl, but she was too emotional, so I wanted a girl with some stability.
When I was 25, I found a stable girl, but she was too boring, so I wanted a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but she lacked direction and was too petty, so I wanted a girl with some ambition.
When I was 31, I found an ambitious girl, but she was so ambitious that she married me, divorced me, and took everything I owned.
Now I am 40, and all I want is a girl with big тiтs.

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Today I asked the missus if she fancied going to see a romantic film then maybe having a nice meal somewhere.
She seemed really excited. “Sounds fantastic! How thoughtful of you!”
“Great,” I said. “There’s thirty bucks. I’ll see you in a few hours, I’m going to the pub.”

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The wife suggested we ‘swap roles’ in bed tonight, but I’m not keen.
I don’t think I could fuск without moving.

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The kitchen staff really helps my wife get the cooking done quicker.
I call it a staff… but really it’s just a big stick I use to beat her with.

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Y our honor, ” explained the young man, “I’d like to get married, please.”
“All right, what is your age?”
“I’m 22, sir.”
“And the age of the bride?”
“She’s 15, sir.”
“15??? That’s too young - marrying you would be against the law!”
“I see, ” said the young man. “Could you try explaining that to the fella next to her with the shotgun?”

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