Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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Two brides meet in a Honeymoon Hotel…
One says, does your husband snore in his sleep?
The other replies, i don’t know……. We have only been married three days…

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My wife hasn’t said a word to me in 6 days.
What’s even better is, she thinks it’s punishment. Woo Hoo!

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I suскеd at being single; I was a horrible dater. I used to get phone calls on Friday night:
'John -- hi, it's Blockbuster video. It's nine o'clock on a Friday, you're not here yet. We just wanted to call and make sure you're OK.'

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I won the Lottery last night.
I haven’t told the wife yet, I can’t use my phone on the plane.

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At a session with a marriage counsellor, the wife snapped at me:
“That’s not true! I do enjoy sеx!”
Then, turning to the counsellor, she said:
“But this ANIMAL here expects it three or four times a year!”

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An American couple visiting in a German village stepped into a small shop to look for souvenirs. The woman sneezed.
"Gesundheit" said the clerk.
"Charles," said the American woman to her husband, "we're in luck. There's somebody here who speaks English."

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Marriage is full of surprises but it's mostly just asking each other "do you have to do that right now?"

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My wife thinks I’m too nosey;
At least, that’s what she wrote in her diary and texted to all her mates.

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My mother told me a long time ago, she said, 'True love lasts for two years.' Do you know what else lasts for only two years? Cell phone contracts. What if they got it right? I've left tons of women, but I will not leave Sprint.

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Bob and his wife were walking into the parking lot when a friend, Larry, saw them. Larry asked,
"Bob, why are you walking so far? Did your car break down?" Bob replied, "No, my wife read how you could burn off more calories by parking further away."
Larry asked,
"How far away did you park?" Bob responded, "About 10 calories."

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You're in incredible shape," the doctor said. "How old are you again"?
"I am 78," the man said.
"78!" remarked the doctor. "How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60-year-old."
"Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad, she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside for a walk to settle down," the man explained.
"What does that have to do with it?” asked the doctor.
"I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."

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Two circus acrobats got married...
They just FLIPPED over each other!

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I told my wife Ruby that whenever I hear that Kaiser Chiefs song it reminds me of her.
“Which one?” She asked, “Ruby, Ruby, Ruby?”
“No,” I said. “Everyday I love you less and less.”

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Getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.

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I’ve just installed strobe lighting in the bedroom,
It makes the wife look like she’s moving during sеx.

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A husband and wife had a fight.
Wife called her mom: He fought with me again, I am coming to stay with you.
Mom: No dear, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you!

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I was in love with a girl. I thought we was in love. She said, 'Tony, I think I want to see other people.' I said, 'You better look out the window.'

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Whatever happened to the good old days when a boy could meet a girl just by attacking her village?

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