Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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A guy was unfortunate enough to be hit by a truck and ended up in the hospital. His best friend came to visit him.
The guy struggles to tell his friend, "My wife Sadie visits me three times a day. She's so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside."
"What does she read?" the friend asks.
"My life insurance policy."

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Before we got married, she was like a good health plan -- I had full coverage, you know what I'm saying? Once we got married, she turned into a HMO, selective coverage. I'm like, 'Hey, you keep this up, I'm going to have to go outside the network.'

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At the gates to heaven a new arrival, George noted that there were two paths, one marked Women, and one marked Men. He took the later path and found that it lead to two gates.
The gate on the right had a sign that said: Men who were dominated by their Wives. The sign on the left read: Men who dominated their Wives. The right-hand gate had a long line of men waiting, but there was only one scrawny little fellow at the left-hand gate.
George, before deciding which gate to go to, went over to the scrawny man and asked,
“Why are you at this gate?” the little fellow replied, “I don’t know. My wife just told me
To stand here.”

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This fellow showed up at work one morning sleepless and haggard.
“What happened to you?” a co-worker asked.
“I was up nearly all night,” the man said. “My wife and I had a terrible argument. She became historical.”
“You mean hysterical,” the co-worker replied.
“No, historical,” the man said. “She went over absolutely everything I’ve done wrong over the last twenty-five years.”

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Anyone who says marriage is an equal partnership is talking utter воllоскs.
I gave up my mates, my motorbike, drinking, drugs, gambling…
All she gave up was fuскing sеx.

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The court was listening to the testimony of the wife who sought a divorce.
"Tell me explicitly," the judge directed the woman, "what fault you have found with your husband."
The wife was explicit:
"He's a liar, a brute, a thief and a brainless fool!"
"Тuт, тuт!" the judge remonstrated. "I suspect you would find difficulty in proving your assertions."
"Prove it!" was the retort. "Why everybody knows it."
"If you knew it," his honor demanded sarcastically, "why did you marry him?"
"I didn't know it before I married him."
The husband interrupted angrily:
"Yes she did too," he shouted. "She did so!"

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At the marriage retreat, Ben and Mary are given a test. They have to write a sentence with the words ‘love’ and ‘sеx’ in it.
Mary writes:
“When two people are passionately and deeply in love and respect each other very much, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act of sеx.”
Ben writes:
“I love sеx”

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My wife accused me of being self-important.
I nearly fell off my throne.

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This is what I realized about women: women don't want a nice guy right away. See, I am a nice guy. I'm like ready-made cookies. I'm Flips 'Ahoy -- out of the box, ready to date.

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A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:
Dear Wife,
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sеxy 18 year old secretary.
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband,
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toyboy. You being an accountant will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.

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A fourth marriage meant yet another name change for me. I didn’t realize the upheaval it had caused until I asked my father why I hadn’t heard from him in a while.
"I forgot your phone number," he said.
"You could’ve looked it up in the phone book."
"I didn’t know what name to look under."

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I got in a big fight with my girlfriend. She's really immature. She sleeps with this big sтuрid teddy bear. I told her, 'I can't believe you're 25, and you sleep with a sтuрid teddy bear.' She goes, 'So what? You sleep in your pajamas.' And I go, 'A lot of guys sleep in their pajamas.' She goes, 'Yeah, but you sleep in your bedroom slippers, too.' See what I mean? She's so sтuрid. I don't have any choice because they're sewn into the pajamas.

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“Tell me when you’ve come,” I panted to my wife as I pumped away.
“1987 and twice in 1993.” she said.

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My man tried to leave me for talking too much, but I talked him out of it.

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My wife has been acting strange lately. She hasn’t been cooking or cleaning and she is certainly not what she use to be in the bedroom.
I took her to the doctors and after a while they managed to explain it nice and simply to me.
The funeral is next week.

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Marriage is clearly an institution that favors men. It's a statistical fact that, on average, women who never get married live longer than women who do, but men who never get married don't live as long as men who do. That's why we buy women the engagement ring. It's a form of compensation:
'Here, this is for the life that I'm about to suск out of you.'

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A man went on a dating website, hoping to find a wife. In his profile description he wrote, "Looking for a woman that is smart, pretty, funny, a good cook, organized at home, and has a BASS BOAT!"
He then paused, gave it some more thought, and added, "To be considered, please include picture of the boat."

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Just got a brand new fishing rod and reel for the wife.
Best swap I’ve ever made!

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