Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes
A man went on a dating website, hoping to find a wife. In his profile description he wrote, "Looking for a woman that is smart, pretty, funny, a good cook, organized at home, and has a BASS BOAT!"
He then paused, gave it some more thought, and added, "To be considered, please include picture of the boat."
The wife comes home and has $5000 in cash.
When her husband asks, “Where did that come from?”
She replies, “I won it in a lottery!”
To which he replies, “That’s great! Let’s go celebrate.”
The next day she comes home with a full-length mink coat.
Again the husband asks, “Where did that come from?”
She says, “I couldn’t believe it! Another lottery ticket came through for me!!”
The next day she comes in, looking tired, wearing a two-carat diamond ring.
The husband says, “I know. You won the lottery.
Right?” She replies, “Why, yes, as a matter of fact, I did. Honey, would you draw me a bath? Please?”
“Sure,” he answers. So, the guy goes in and starts drawing the bath water for his wife. After he gets a quarter inch of water in the bottom of the tub, he turns off the water. “Your tub is ready.” He calls to his wife.
She starts to get in the tub and looks at him, dismayed, and asks, “Why is there only a quarter inch of water in here?”
To which he loudly replies, “I wouldn’t want you to get your lottery ticket wet!”
Old Saying. . . .
My husband, being an astute shopper, as well as an employee at a large local hardware store, keeps an eye on all the closeouts and sales where he works. One evening he came in the door as usual, we exchanged our usual 'glad to see you' affection, then I noticed that 'I've got a surprise for you' look on his face. He held up two large sacks filled with items. In the two sacks were eight candleholders for 25 cents apiece, because he knows I love candles. The other sack contained ten bottles of window cleaner, which closed out for 50 cents each. I loved the gifts, but was overwhelmed with the quantity so I asked,
"Honey! What did you do? Buy everything but the kitchen sink?" He grinned in his impish way and motioned for me to follow him. He is so good at that impishness I never know just what will occur next. Full of curiosity and love for my interesting husband, I followed him out to the car. He slowly opened the truck and low and behold! There was the kitchen sink! He grinned at me again and told me he couldn't leave such an expensive sink there when it cost next to nothing! I guess I'll have to find a different 'old saying' in the vernacular when it comes to my husband!
Newly Married
A newly-married couple came home from their honeymoon and moved into the upstairs apartment they’d rented from the groom’s parents.
That night, the father of the groom was awakened from his sleep by his wife.
“Tony, listen!” she whispered. He listened. Upstairs, the bed was creaking in rhythm.
The wife said, “Come on, Tony! Let’s make love!”
So Tony climbed on top of his wife, and they ‘did’ it.
As he was trying to fall back asleep 15 minutes later, the bed upstairs started creaking in rhythm again.
“Come on, Tony!” said the wife. “Let’s make love again!”
Once again, Tony climbed on top of his wife and ‘did’ it again.
As he was trying to fall back asleep 15 minutes later, the bed upstairs started creaking in rhythm again.
“Come on, Tony!” said the wife. “Let’s do it again!”
So Tony grabbed a broom and pounded on the ceiling as he shouted, “Hey, kids, cut it out!
You’re killing your old man down here!”